journaling Archives - Hope With Anirban

I finally accepted I am not a failure

The author writes about how his preconception that he was a failure because he failed in school was wrong. It wasn’t his failure to begin with, it was society’s failure.

When I was in class 11 I had failed one year and I was detained in the same class.

And I had been carrying the burden on my shoulders that I was a failure.

I had never introspected if it was indeed true that I had failed.

Last night I was journaling and I realized that it was not my failure.

But it was someone else’s failure.

It was society’s failure.

I was trying my best to survive but it was society who had failed me.

I was trying out a socratic method of introspection with the guidance of Claude AI.

And it turned out that I was studying physics, chemistry, computer science and maths because my parents told me to.

Not because I wanted to.

I felt as if I was learning something I found strange.

I felt stupid and as if it was a waste of my time.

I felt sad and stressed. I felt tired of all the traveling to school, coaching classes, and tutors.

And yet I didn’t understand those subjects.

I felt, “If the world is so difficult, I don’t want to live in a difficult world.”

I couldn’t sit down to study.

I played videogames 16 hours a day from morning till midnight.

I slept less, ate irregularly and didn’t study.

I avoided everything.

And I was also reading so many self-help books to help me figure out what was wrong with me.

My psychologists said that nothing was wrong with me. But I believed something was wrong with me.

I wasn’t having fun while avoiding life, I was trying my best to cope with the sadness and pain and the stress.

And then when I failed I finally felt free.

But this feeling of freedom and relief was short-lived.

I was again back to repeating the year in another school where I took admission.

And somehow I passed high school with the same subjects.

And for a few months I studied engineering at a private university but I dropped out.

And again I got the feeling of relief and freedom.

This time I took a Bachelor of Arts (honours) in philosophy course in college.

But due to some technical problems I had to change my subject to English and I had to drop out.

Then I took a bachelor of business administration course from my last online college.

And I studied it and graduated and took MBA and graduated that too.

But all this while I kept thinking that “I am a failure”.

And boy I couldn’t be so wrong.

I thought that since class 11 was something I experienced and I failed it, I am the failure.

But the truth is it was my parents’ and society’s expectations that made me take physics, chemistry, computer science, maths as subjects.

And if I “failed” that and felt relief, it wasn’t my failure really, it was their failure.

I was never a failure.

I gave my best and I did my best to cope with the stress and sadness.

I read self-help books to find the solution.

But I couldn’t find any.

So it was never my failure.

I was living in someone else’s design of a life.

It wasn’t mine to begin with.

And I also realized that even right now I am living in someone else’s design of my life.

I am living in fear of not getting a job, fear of never making it, fear of not having a comparable income to others.

I am trying to get a data analytics job but all I want to do is write and read and experience the world and share it with you.

I guess I need to work on this aspect now before it’s too late.

But yeah I was never a failure, it wasn’t my failure.

I am not a failure.

Thanks for reading this line! It means a lot.

Uncertainty for a job

The author is writing about his dilemma of whether he should looking for a job or do something else all the while not looking for a job.

I am looking for a job.

And I feel like I’m fighting myself more than I’m struggling to get a job interview.

So I apply for the job and sometimes I don’t receive the call from the Human Resources executive.

Then if I end up appearing for the group discussion, I skip the interview.

And I am back to being jobless.

And if you’re confused as to what I’m blabbering about, I mean to convey to you that I’m scared of the interview.

I’ll work on overcoming this fear, but I’m not nearly as scared of the interview as I am of my sense of uncertainty.

Uncertainty as to if I should even work for someone else rather than starting a business or make writing my business.

Uncertainty as to if I should get a private job or a government job.

Uncertainty as to if I should work in people facing roles or the back office.

This is what’s been happening in my life lately.

I was avoiding writing because I was giving myself excuses like “It’s only a hobby”.

I still don’t know what to do.

And I’m sure many people in my country, India and the world think similarly about their careers.

And yes the uncertainty is strong. And I feel very uneasy.

A lot of things have been postponed because I’m waiting for a way to make a decision.

A decision as to what I should do.

If you ask me, why aren’t you able to get a job, I’d say “I am confused if I should do a job or a business.”

So I’m kind of stuck in my mind being unable to decide.

And it’s not like I’m appearing for lots of interviews and am getting rejected.

I’m not even applying.

So yeah, I hope I get out of this mess.

Thanks for reading this line. It means a lot!

I’m pretty average at most things but I love them

On what subject(s) are you an authority?

I am not an authority on anything. But I love many things.

I love …

Playing badminton
Singing
Writing

But I’m average at them.

And the funniest part is I don’t even intend to make them into a career.

But I love them regardless.

I’ve been admitted to NIMHANS for the last 2 months and I have learnt many things about myself.

And I got many compliments for my singing and badminton skills.

And I think I might continue doing them.

Other than that I have a career to look after which is in data science.

I’m also average in data science.

I feel like I need to focus on one thing.

But I also feel like I have no sense of direction or clarity.

I don’t know where life will lead me.

But I … I’m confused I guess.

Anyways thanks for reading this sentence. It means a lot.

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Writing, music, and my mom

What strategies do you use to cope with negative feelings?

I write poems and listen to sad songs(when I’m sad) to cope with negative feelings.

Honesty my repository of activities to do when feeling negative feelings is pretty small.

When I say negative feelings, I mean anger, hopelessness, sadness, apathy, fear, shame, etc.

Emotions

Here’s what I do when I feel these emotions –

Anger–

First I remember the words of Sri Ramakrishna Paramahansa who said ” যে সয় সে রয়, যে না সয় তার নাশ হয়।” It means in English,”He who tolerates, is able to withstand, He who does not tolerate, gets destroyed.”

Then I stay away from the person I am angry with.

Then I start listening to sad songs and writing.

Hopelessness–

When I feel hopeless, my mother is my savior. She talks to me all the time.

My mother (মা), maa, is my best friend.

Writing doesn’t help in this department. Nor does sad songs.

Sadness–

I listen to sad songs. I guess I write only poems when I feel sad.

Apathy–

Apathy means not feeling like doing anything or “indifference”.

In these case, I ask myself,”What am I interested in learning/doing now?”

Usually it’s some computer skills unrelated to my academic studies.

But it gets me out of my negative feelings.

Fear–

I call my mom because I have no friends.

No sad songs or writing helps though.

Shame–

Shame, self-hatred, etc. are horrible feelings which I feel when visiting some of my relatives’ places.

It’s truly horrible.

They make me feel like I better hide under a rock and disappear for the next 20 years.

They compare me to my cousins and uncles.

They say things that has utter insensitivity to my mental health issues. They don’t understand and they don’t want to understand mental illnesses. Period.

I don’t visit them much. That’s how I cope with shame.

Conclusion

So that’s a lot of combinations of- writing,music and my mom.

I hope I never outgrow these three gifts of my life. May I always love writing, music and my mom (মা).

Well this script is Bengali, our local Indian language in Kolkata, India.

Thanks for reading!

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First Be A Good Person

A good leader must first embody qualities of a good person, defined primarily by honesty and integrity. While not perfect, such individuals stay true to their word and admit their mistakes. Morality is crucial, often valuing personal character as much as success or wealth. The reflection on leadership is influenced by personal experiences.

Daily writing prompt

What makes a good leader?

View all responses

I belief a good leader must be a good person even before they start leading people.

What is a good person?

Now this one is what I can answer.

I can answer this NOT because I think I am a good person.

I am not a bad person. I am moderately good. But only other people’s statements regarding my character will be true.

Who are they?

So what is a good person?

I have read the Bhagavad Gita’s Chapter 2 but I will not borrow definitions from it because that’s not verified by me with direct experience.

In my opinion, a good person is a person who is honest(to himself/herself always and to others most of the time).

I know a person who is older than me. They are a leader in their profession. And they are good as a person in the common sense. But they are also honest to the extent that they will go out of their way to keep their word.

It’s 21^st century and I am talking about the “word”.

Who cares about honesty these days? Right?

Well, the answer isn’t “nobody”. Although nobody is honest all the time. And nobody is flawless. There are people who are honest and pure hearted.

Honest to themselves.

They would admit they are wrong even if it means their opponents would win.

Morality is as important as money or success.

The person I was talking about can be any good leader in the world.

But I had my mother’s life floating before my eyes when I was writing the above lines.

Same goes for my elder sister.

Conclusion

Thank you for reading this blog post. Please comment your opinion on what a good leader is.

To experience the beauty of existence

The author reflects on their mission to experience the beauty of existence rather than conforming to societal expectations. They emphasize the importance of mental over physical beauty, valuing philosophy, art, and personal growth. Their goal is to integrate these passions into their life, relationships, and future business, creating a meaningful legacy.

Daily writing prompt

What is your mission?

View all responses

My mission isn’t exactly written anywhere yet. Not even in a journal somewhere.

But it’s clear in my mind.

I want to experience the beauty of existence.

Let me explain.

I never liked the rat race. Study, college, job, MBA, better job, business, marriage, children, old-age. What else?

It’s just a giant conspiracy against us to not do what we are meant to do.

To experience the beauty of existence right here, right now.

Beauty of existence

My definition of beauty starts with the mind.

Physical beauty is ok but it’s not permanent.

Mental beauty is more permanent than physical beauty.

Philosophy, maths, accounting, video editing, programming, art, stories, novels, etc.

For me these and other similar things are beauty.

Not the physical aspects, but the mental complexities and journey of growth that these skills bring inside a person.

Be in the world, but not of it

I want to start a business, do MBA, marry, have children, be old and die.

But my mission, that is my purpose in life, is to experience the beauty of existence by making philosophy and math and novels and programming and so on a part of my life.

I want to make my business around experience the beauty of existence.

I want my MBA journey to show those activities.

I want to marry a person who will help me experience philosophy, math, novels, etc.

I want to teach my children these things.

And when I am old and on my death bed I want to smile while reading a good philosophical novel.

Conclusion

Thank you for reading this blog post. Please like and comment your opinions.

By the way I am late. I realize that. I generally post on Mondays but because I had been struggling with my mental health lately, I am late.

I am glad you stuck around and read this line. Thanks a lot!

What’s independence like?

Independence is lonely. This is what I learned from my experience with bipolar disorder.

When I feel like my family members are not giving me enough attention, I get upset. And it’s not like they don’t like me anymore.

There could be any number of reasons why they don’t give me enough attention, but I feel like it’s because they don’t like me.

It’s not like that, but I feel it’s like that.

One day I realized that I was getting upset because of this, and I was thinking about how helpless I was.

Then it struck me that I have control over my thoughts and that I am giving my family members too much power over my happiness by thinking that they complete me.

I realized that I was dependent on my family members for my love and happiness needs.

One fine evening when I had been thinking I was helpless, I decided to not be dependent on my family members or anyone for love and happiness except God.

I said to myself,”I will not be dependent on my mother or father or sister. I will be dependent only on God.”

And I felt powerful. I felt empowered.

I started doing my share of household chores, like washing my own clothes, etc. Slowly, I will start contributing to my family’s well-being even more.

This power gives me independence and freedom.

But this newfound independence also brings loneliness sometimes. Because blaming and doing self-pity is easy. Blaming others and staying dependent on others is easy. But being independent and taking responsibility is hard.

Thank you for reading this post.

What is independence like for you?

The Secret Which Can Reduce Your Stress Consistently

Don’t know how to deal with stress? Which activities to do to deal with stress in a healthy way?

Read this blog post to know the secret to reducing stress in a healthy way.

Lately I have been doing meaningful, useless things to reduce stress.

I have been regularly writing something unrelated to what I consider useful. And it’s helping me reduce my stress.

I feel more relaxed and able to focus on useful things more. I am able to overcome my procrastination more easily. Not only that, but I am also able to feel more connected to my passion for spirituality and philosophy.

How exactly do I do it?

Well, I started writing poems. Mystical poems, to be more specific. I have written one on this blog site. You can check it out here.

I think the key for me is to do useful things when you are bored with doing useless things. And to do useless things when you are stressed with doing useful things.

And usually useless things don’t take much time. And if they do, it’s easier to break them in parts to do later because they are not “useful”.

I am currently experimenting more with it and I think there are only a few meaningful, useless things for everyone.

You can also look at it through the lens of doing what you are passionate about. But I like to call it useless.

After all, when a passion becomes a chore, it can feel stressful and procrastination can occur in spite of you having passion for it.

I think everyone has multiple passions, and so the “useful” passion which one does as a career choice can be complemented with more “useless” passions which are not your career choice.

The point I am trying to make here is that this works for me, and it is something I wanted to share with you.

Also, do check out the poem I wrote on mysticism here.

Thank you for reading this blog post, and please share this post and comment-

How do you deal with your stress?

How to deal with anxiety?

In this blog post, I will share some 8 tips on how to deal with anxiety.

As you might be knowing, I have anxiety and I have learnt to reduce it and live my life with it.

I had social anxiety since I was a teenager and it was both a boon and a bane. I learnt a lot from facing my anxiety.

Other than the advice that my psychiatrist and psychologist gave me, there are my own insights.

I will write a blog post on my psychogists’ advice another day but today I want to share how to deal with anxiety.

Here they are-

Do what you are passionate about

When we do what we are passionate about we become more relaxed and happier. This leads to confidence and peace of mind and calm. It helps us deal with anxiety better.

Living with purpose helps us become more confident and gives us the motivation to overcome anxiety.

Take extra responsibility and initiative

This is what increases our mental strength and makes us more resilient. If we take more responsibility we will be more active and busy. We’ll also get the confidence to face our anxiety and fears.

Dance like nobody’s watching(live a moral life and not care what people think of us)

If we want to live a full life, we have to not care about what people think about us. We need to dance like nobody’s watching.

But in reality, people do watch when we dance in public. And so we need to become good human beings. We need to be selfless and caring, in a non-people-pleasing way.

Sitting down and calmly observing your feelings

I do this almost every time I get anxious. I don’t rush things. I take 5mins of silence and just observe my feelings. This gives me space and the clarity of mind to make a good decision.

Listen to inspiring songs

This is a surefire way to convert anxiety into inspiration. It almost always works. I like to listen to Shakira and Sia and some EDM songs.

Tell yourself “LIFE IS HARD”

You won’t believe me but it works like a charm. This is one of my truths and most people’s truths.

“Life is hard and not facing anxiety is not helping you. You will be stuck and fall behind and waste valuable time if you don’t face your anxiety. No one cares to expect your family whether you have anxiety or not. Other people only see that you are a success or a failure. So get up and fight.”

I say something similar to myself.

You don’t have to give a 100% effort

You just need to get up and fight. Winning or losing isn’t in your hands but trying is. So try. You just have to get started.

If you can’t overcome anxiety for some reason, then don’t blame yourself, accept yourself

Acceptance is powerful. Everyone has strengths and weaknesses. Not everyone is built the same way. You feel anxious to do public speaking but maybe you can edit videos pretty well. Work on your strengths and deal with your weaknesses. And forgive yourself for not being perfect.

Thank you for reading this blog post. Please comment-

Which tip will you use this week for dealing with anxiety?

Disclaimer: This is not medical advice. I am not a psychologist or a psychiatrist. If you want medical advice, please contact a psychologist or a psychiatrist.