depression Archives - Hope With Anirban

I wish I could study and work more every day

What do you wish you could do more every day?

Study and Work

I wish I could study and work more every day.

I study and work on projects sometimes related to my MBA Data Science degree.

But I get tired and get mood swings.

I bet everyone gets these mood swings when sitting down to study.

But they study regardless of their mood.

I need to work on my “study regardless of their mood” aspect.

Relation to mental health

My bipolar disorder is also responsible for my difficulties in studying long hours.

It’s not like I don’t want to study and work. It’s just that I can’t.

Writing helps me tremendously to cope with the frustration of being unable to study.

But I guess I need to draw a line between what I can do and what I expect myself to achieve.

Satisfaction

What I can do is – study for 2 hours.
What I expect myself to achieve is – study 4-5 hours.
What I can do is – go out with family, friends, relatives, etc. and sometimes alone to the barber’s saloon.
What I expect myself to achieve is –
- to travel from my town to the city by bus, or
- take a public transportation facility,
- to talk to strangers,
- to make friends,
- to go to regular/offline university, etc.
What I can do is – be satisfied and work hard for uplifting genuine values like honesty, integrity, generosity, etc.
What I expect myself to achieve is – to achieve external success that has no meaning expect earning more money.

What I can do and what I expect myself to do are two different things. They are not the same things.

Conclusion

Sure I can aim to study more but I need to be satisfied with what I have.

I can try to study and work for 3 hours next time. Or may 2.5 hours.

Because my circumstances are different.

Wanting more isn’t always necessary because we don’t need to compare ourselves with others.

I need to take it slow.

I’m glad you’re reading this line. Thanks a lot!

How to be patient?

So, in 2015, therapy felt pointless for this person until they met Dr. Prasanta Kumar Roy in 2017, who really understood them and helped them heal from BPAD. They emphasize faith and patience in overcoming suffering, suggesting that finding hope and keeping busy is key to coping with tough times.

When I was going to therapy in 2015, I was just told to do Cognitive Behavioral Therapy(CBT) homework.

The problem wasn’t that I won’t do it. The problem was I didn’t feel like doing it.

I didn’t have a problem with CBT but I had a problem with them not fixing my emotional states.

My Favorite Psychologist

It’s only in 2017 when I found a great psychologist who doesn’t even charge any fees if one goes through the public healthcare system of standing in the queue for 2 hours.

It was then that I truly got healed from my BPAD.

He is Dr. Prasanta Kumar Roy and he sits in Kolkata’s SSKM hospital.

He made me feel for the first time that a psychologist understood me.

But that was before 4-5 years of changing many psychologists. And years of suffering inflicted by my own mind.

Questions & Answers

Why do we suffer so much? How to be patient so that the suffering ends one day? How to wait till that day?

I think we suffer because we don’t have faith.

Plain and simple. We need to have faith in something bigger than us.

And without God’s blessings you can’t have so much patience and humility.

I’m not asking you to become a believer from an atheist. You could believe in a role model/good person also. But you must feel hope.

How to be patient?

I guess I started healing the day I started chanting the Hare Krishna mantra internally in my mind in 2017.

That gave me mental strength to hold on and keep doing what I have to do.

So you do need faith and belief and need to bow down to the divine to have so much patience.

How to wait till that day?

So basically I don’t feel like I’m waiting because I just do what I have with me.

“If I can’t walk, I’ll crawl.”

If I can’t go to classes, I’ll take online classes.

If I can’t go to grocery shopping, I’ll at least learn to cook.

If I can’t do anything, paralyzed by fear. Then I will speak to my mom, and she tells me to have faith.

Conclusion

I know I’m not a psychologist but I hope this blog post added value to your life.

Thanks for reading!

Disclaimer: I(Anirban Saren) am not a licensed medical professional, psychiatrist or a psychologist and I’m not providing any medical advice. I’m writing my own opinions. Please consult a professional psychiatrist, psychologist before following this advice.

People

The author expresses a profound fear of people stemming from social anxiety, which severely restricts their daily activities. They believe that falling in love with a pursuit could help them confront this fear, though past experiences with rejection have made it challenging. Despite their anxiety, they remain hopeful for improvement.

Daily writing prompt

What’s the thing you’re most scared to do? What would it take to get you to do it?

View all responses

What am I scared of the most?

I am scared of people.

But I am scared of them a lot. Because I have social anxiety.

I am scared of people.

I don’t go out much because I am scared of people.

I don’t do it intentionally. It is too severe in me.

What would it take to get me to face my social anxiety?

I think love.

If I fall in love with an endeavor that compels me to face social anxiety, I will face it.

It doesn’t have to be a person with whom I fall in love. It could be a vision, a task, a hobby, a business idea, a plan, etc.

I have fallen in love before, with business ideas, with tasks, hobbies, plans. But I guess the fear keeps coming back.

I am scared of rejection. Because I am afraid to be myself in front of people.

Conclusion

I hope things get better.

Thank you for reading this short blog post. Let me know what you think and please like, share and follow my blog.

What I Learnt From Psychosis

In 2017, I faced a challenging journey through psychosis, filled with confusion and intense experiences. However, this struggle taught me valuable lessons in humility, the importance of grounding oneself in science, and trusting mental health professionals. Ultimately, I emerged grateful for the growth and self-belief I gained from this experience.

When I was 17, I had a psychotic episode. Or more precisely one major psychotic episode and many mania episodes spread around the months of the year 2017.

So 2017 wasn’t really a happy year for me.

So before I jump into what lessons I learnt, I want to give you a brief explanation of my experience.

Brief History of My Psychosis

Here are the things I experienced-

I suspected that everyone wanted to kill me.
I thought I was God (literally).
I thought I was in an alternate reality where I could do anything I wanted and no one would hold me accountable.
I thought I would write in a journal and if I scribbled over it, it would become real.
I thought I was channeling some spirits by writing in a journal.
I even thought I was doing automatic writing (actually).
I would notice something and associate it with synchronicities. (For example, if I thought a negative thought and the dog outside barked at that moment, I thought it was God telling me to stop thinking that thought).
Things would happen to rescue me from difficult situations and I noticed them instantly like someone playing a soothing music that would make me feel calm.
When I closed my eyes, I would think I have no thoughts. I would be afraid to close my eyes because it was just too empty inside my mind(thoughtless).
I also couldn’t sleep at night (insomnia).

The Actual Learnings

Here are the things I learnt from my psychotic experience-

Humility
I learnt that what the scriptures say that “Aham Brahmasmi” (You are that), it’s not literally true in the gross sense of the word “ego” or “I”.

When we say I am God, we don’t mean that the person that you are is God. We mean… well I don’t know. But we shouldn’t take it literally.

If you don’t know the truth, you need to stay humble and admit that you don’t know everything.
Belief In Science
I learnt to ground myself in science. I know spiritual beliefs sound cool. But they are not practical.

Automatic writing may be real, but there may not be spirits or souls to channel or do automatic writing with.

There’s always a scientific explanation.
Coincidences are real
There are coincidences and those may be planned by God. But there may not be any synchronicities.

It means if something happens and if you superstitiously believe something else like someone’s photo frame falling from the wall and breaking doesn’t mean that their life is in danger.
Trust Psychiatry and Psychology
These two fields: psychiatry and psychology, are a Godsend for people like me.

They help you heal from the inside.

And if only you take the medications regularly and go to therapy regularly, then you can improve your mental health.
Belief in Myself
I learnt self-belief without thinking that I am omnipotent.

Swami Vivekananda said that he who doesn’t believe in God is not an atheist, he who doesn’t believe in himself is an atheist.

I believe in myself. I believe in Anirban(me).

Conclusion

These are the things I learnt from my psychotic experience in 2017.

If my psychosis hadn’t happened I would still be more superstitious than I am today. I am grateful for my psychosis.

I am way more scientific minded now because of my negative experiences with psychosis.

Thank you for reading this blog post. If you like this blog post, please like, comment and share with your friends and family members.

My Realizations on Satisfaction part 1

The post discusses the struggle between desiring success and the need for satisfaction, particularly for individuals dealing with mental health issues. It highlights how trauma can hinder achievement, affecting self-esteem and confidence. The author encourages mental health fighters to forgive themselves for not meeting their success expectations, emphasizing understanding and compassion.

Everybody knows that they should be satisfied with what they have.

And yet they (including me) seek more success and more achievements.

And the funny thing is they can’t suppress their desire for success by telling themselves to be satisfied. No one can.

If you want success and you are not satisfied, don’t force yourself to be satisfied.

But sometimes, especially in the case of mental health fighters, one cannot fulfill all of their desires of success because of their traumatic mental illness related experiences and the time it takes to heal through medicines and counseling.

It’s like a handicap situation.

The hardships that people with mental illnesses go through leave them in a situation from where it’s difficult to achieve success with the same energy and force as before the mental illness.

Their self-esteem is damaged. Their self-confidence is damaged. Plus there are the symptoms of their specific mental illnesses.

And it takes a lot to have just a little success let alone more success.

So mental health fighters need to forgive themselves if they can’t do certain things or if they can’t perform at the level that’s required for achieving their expectations of success.

That’s what I wanted to write in this blog post.

Thank you for reading this blog post. And please comment if you struggled with mental illness and how you feel about success and satisfaction?

My Story of Fighting Suicidal Ideations

My goal in this blog post is to make you believe that there is hope out of suicidal ideations, depression or any other mental illnesses in your life.

I remember it started 2 years ago. Before that, I had been suffering from bipolar disorder since 2015 and I had serious social anxiety.

In 2018 I somehow passed class 12 with below-average marks and I dropped from 2 colleges in the span of 2 years. And in 2021 I was studying at an online college.

Between 2017 to 2018 I had 3 psychotic episodes and although I didn’t share this in my previous blog post, in 2017, I attempted suicide and I had to go to Bangalore for treatment. I also started taking prescription medication for bipolar disorder since then.

All this kind of made me doubt myself and I felt lost and confused. I remember I would say to my mom about my confusion and my suicidal ideations.

Although I didn’t take action on those thoughts, I remember days when I would play sad songs and stay up till 3 am.

I remember in those moments the only hope for me was my mom. She gave me strength and hope. She made me who I am.

I remember I started doing certain things-

I started believing in the existence of hope(goodness, truth, real beauty, God)
I took psychotherapy more seriously and took regular medications
I started with small habits
I started to read books on mental health

I also went to an astrologer, which I have faith that it helped. I also did reiki healing on myself earlier which also helped me.

What kept me going? What is hope to me?

Hope kept me going.

Hope is when I feel anxious to do something and I am unable to overcome the fear but something happens- a change of mind, a possibility in my mind opens because of someone or something inside or outside me and I am able to overcome the anxiety.

Hope is goodness, truth, real beauty, inspiration, a forgotten dream resurfacing, God, etc.

It isn’t something we can control, but we can surrender to it and let it wash over us.

And what I want to convey to you through this blog post is that hope exists.

Live life for yourself, your dreams, your ambitions, your future contributions to others, helping others etc.

I was listening to a podcast called “hope is real” by Jazz Thornton with Kevin Hines. Kevin Hines is someone who survived a suicide attempt by jumping from the Golden Gate Bridge. And he told his story of how a sea lion kept him floating on the water’s surface when he jumped.

What I learnt from the episode was “Asking for help makes you wise” not a failure. Maybe the words are slightly different but it’s what I remember is said by Jazz Thornton.

Ask for help, see a therapist, take medication, do what you are passionate about, etc. Don’t give up.

Every day I am fighting and I still get these ideations sometimes but I can handle them with the help of my therapist and doctors.

Believe that there’s hope for you. You matter. Your existence matters.

You can overcome suicidal ideations.

Thank you for reading this crucial blog post. If you liked it then please share it on Facebook, Instagram and Twitter and other social media platforms. Also, comment on what you think of this blog post.

Disclaimer- I am not a psychologist or a doctor. This blog post is purely from my personal experience. I don’t provide medical advice. If you have mental health issues then please seek the help of a medical professional.

How to deal with anxiety?

In this blog post, I will share some 8 tips on how to deal with anxiety.

As you might be knowing, I have anxiety and I have learnt to reduce it and live my life with it.

I had social anxiety since I was a teenager and it was both a boon and a bane. I learnt a lot from facing my anxiety.

Other than the advice that my psychiatrist and psychologist gave me, there are my own insights.

I will write a blog post on my psychogists’ advice another day but today I want to share how to deal with anxiety.

Here they are-

Do what you are passionate about

When we do what we are passionate about we become more relaxed and happier. This leads to confidence and peace of mind and calm. It helps us deal with anxiety better.

Living with purpose helps us become more confident and gives us the motivation to overcome anxiety.

Take extra responsibility and initiative

This is what increases our mental strength and makes us more resilient. If we take more responsibility we will be more active and busy. We’ll also get the confidence to face our anxiety and fears.

Dance like nobody’s watching(live a moral life and not care what people think of us)

If we want to live a full life, we have to not care about what people think about us. We need to dance like nobody’s watching.

But in reality, people do watch when we dance in public. And so we need to become good human beings. We need to be selfless and caring, in a non-people-pleasing way.

Sitting down and calmly observing your feelings

I do this almost every time I get anxious. I don’t rush things. I take 5mins of silence and just observe my feelings. This gives me space and the clarity of mind to make a good decision.

Listen to inspiring songs

This is a surefire way to convert anxiety into inspiration. It almost always works. I like to listen to Shakira and Sia and some EDM songs.

Tell yourself “LIFE IS HARD”

You won’t believe me but it works like a charm. This is one of my truths and most people’s truths.

“Life is hard and not facing anxiety is not helping you. You will be stuck and fall behind and waste valuable time if you don’t face your anxiety. No one cares to expect your family whether you have anxiety or not. Other people only see that you are a success or a failure. So get up and fight.”

I say something similar to myself.

You don’t have to give a 100% effort

You just need to get up and fight. Winning or losing isn’t in your hands but trying is. So try. You just have to get started.

If you can’t overcome anxiety for some reason, then don’t blame yourself, accept yourself

Acceptance is powerful. Everyone has strengths and weaknesses. Not everyone is built the same way. You feel anxious to do public speaking but maybe you can edit videos pretty well. Work on your strengths and deal with your weaknesses. And forgive yourself for not being perfect.

Thank you for reading this blog post. Please comment-

Which tip will you use this week for dealing with anxiety?

Disclaimer: This is not medical advice. I am not a psychologist or a psychiatrist. If you want medical advice, please contact a psychologist or a psychiatrist.

Faith Is Important

In this blog post, I will write about why faith is important in life.

So basically, I was of the school of thought that unless one experiences something one should not believe in it.

Whether it’s belief in God or belief in any idea or principle or anything that changes the way we live life, I used to think that we should try out new ideas and then prove to ourselves if it is true in our experience.

But I have always wondered what the most worthy goal in life is and what is the most real and meaningful cause to which I can fight and dedicate my life without feeling like I am wasting my time in life.

And from there started my pursuit of Truth.

What is the truth? What is the most real thing? What is worthy of hard work and personal struggle? What is worthy of fighting for? What is not empty? What is true?

At first in class 11, I went to get a better education to find this real thing. I thought if I can get into a good school I will be able to dedicate my life to it and find something worth fighting for. But questions started appearing in my mind.

I doubted my beliefs and asked myself,” I know that a good education is very important. But I don’t feel happy. I am suffering. And I have lost my sense of direction and hunger in life. Also, I don’t even know if this subject I am studying is meaningful. I want to be an engineer. But why? Why do I want to be an engineer? Why? I could do career counselling but will I really find the answer in other professions? I will feel empty even then, and I will probably ask the why question after I lose my passion for that profession.”

So I started losing interest in formal education. (I am in college now studying seriously.)

Then I started pursuing money in business by learning digital marketing. I started a blog, a youtube channel, a clothing e-commerce store, etc.

And I found success here and there but I still had the feeling of emptiness and meaninglessness that gradually entered my pursuit of money.

I remember I was doing an internship as an insurance agent for a big company and I did well in the interview and training. I was punctual all the time and very serious about success, but I gave up before the joining date because I could not see meaning in that job. (Little did I know that the meaning that I am searching for is in me and not outside in objects.)

So I started losing interest in money. (I am regardlessly going to start a business in the future)

Then I started feeling depressed.

But…

This is where things changed. I started believing in God. I surrendered and took action.

Life without God is empty and meaningless. Even things that are meaningful in the beginning seem meaningless if we don’t believe in something real.

If one believes in God, then a simple thing looks beautiful, one finds joy in the little things in life. But if one doesn’t believe in God, then all the wealth of the world can’t make one happy.

It started with me one day noticing that a girl and her mother at NIMHANS chanting a religious mantra one evening while chilling, and it hit me that I can also try that approach. I could try to have faith in God. Since nothing works, then let’s try this.

And I found that it is a source of immense love, power, strength and wisdom. It made suffering make sense and my life got better.

Then one day I was reading Swami Vivekananda’s quote-

“You cannot believe in God until you believe in yourself.” – Swami Vivekananda

And I started consciously strengthening my belief in myself.

What I am trying to say through this blog post is this-

Faith is important.

Without faith, one will find it very difficult to find the truth.

Personally, I still get doubts but I have surrendered my fears to God. I know that there is a reality that is truly real. I don’t need to hold on to objects of the mind or the world to feel secure. I just need to hold on to God.

The reason faith is important for finding the truth, is that faith and truth are not opposite words, but where truth cannot be reached by the mind, faith is the guide to truth.

Thank you for reading this blog post. If you liked this post then please comment, why is faith important to you?

What Is Hope To Me? (Warning: Sensitive Mental Health Story)

Hope to me is an angelic force that knows when I need answers most, when I need to learn a lesson, when I need to suffer, when I need to realise the truth about a situation and when the right time comes I need to surrender.

Story

I remember after my major psychotic episode in 2017, I was taken to the hospital. And I was so scared. I thought strange thoughts and was so scared.

When the doctor came, he asked something which I don’t remember. But I said, “I love you”.

The doctor smiled and said something like “You love me?”

Then I forgot what happened. My parents visited me and I was relieved.

Later the hospital referred me to NIMHANS, Bangalore.

I had no hope except my belief that there’s something higher in existence that is most true and divine.

So I said,” I love you” to the doctor. Not because he was beautiful or something else. But because I was scared. I was so scared of myself, so scared of my thoughts and I had no confidence in myself during my psychotic episode. I had to believe in that invisible higher truth/force which most probably is the expression of the words ”I love you”.

Love is, in my opinion, one of the closest expressions of truth.

Maybe I said it because I was scared. But that’s what I felt would keep me sane.

And I was referred to NIMHANS, where they treated me further and I made many new friends.

Slowly things got better.

And things are much better now. I haven’t had to go through psychosis since 2017 and I am well on my way to graduating college and finding work.

Conclusion

I think things are never bad indefinitely. Life gets better. There’s hope. And there’s family, friends, work, truth, etc.

As the famous proverb says- This Too Shall Pass. I too say “This Too Shall Pass”.

Thank you for reading this blog post on what is hope to me. Please comment, what is hope to you in a few words?