It started with me thinking like everyone was looking at me and thinking bad things about me.
I was 15 in 2015 and extremely self-conscious. I did not know what was happening. So I went to the one plan where you can get all answers free of cost- Google.
After researching google for a few hours that afternoon I read the text “Social Anxiety Disorder”. And when my mother arrive home from work, I told her about it.
She knew what it was because she had it when she was young.
But all I could think was it is the worst thing that can happen to a human being. I won’t even wish it on my worst enemy because I knew even at that time that social anxiety is worse than death.
Eventually I begged to my parents to take me to the doctor because in India mental health is still a stigma. And most people think that mental illness happens to only those patients who are in the mental asylum.
I went to the National Institute of Behaviour Sciences in Kolkata and they made me see the psychologist. But I refused to see the psychiatrist and decided to not medication.
Long story short, the psychologist and I had a disagreement. His techniques did not work or at least it did in his textbooks and he probably said to me, I don’t remember the exact words, I had to do those techniques in order to get better. Then I started seeing other psychologists.
Then my parents took me to the Apollo hospital in Kolkata. This time also I refused to take medication. But he recommended a psychologist near our home in Howrah.
The new psychologist explained to me why I had social anxiety. She told me it was because of my parents marital conflict. But her solutions were like the previous psychologist-same textbook solutions that never works for me.
The solutions like Cognitive Behavioural Therapy don’t work for me. I am depressed and I don’t need more depressing stuff like CBT.
So the same conversation happened that her solutions were not working. And I started seeing other psychologist. Or at least I wanted to but I felt so hopeless that I did not see other psychologist and turned to religion.
I real the Bible, the Bhagavad Gita and meditated diligently for 20mins everyday and in between I missed school and played Fallout 4 and other shooting games all day and I failed in class 11.
Then I joined an new school that I hated and I started to feel frustrated with myself. I stopped going to school for a few months and my plan became to meditate and dissolve my “ego”. I didn’t even know what that meant.
It turned out to be very dangerous for my mental health and I developed insomnia and psychosis. And I had to go to National Institute of Mental Health And Neurosciences and I had to take medication.
At this point of time my parents were very supportive. My sister was also very supportive. Most of my relatives were also supportive despite not understanding what mental health issues was.
At NIMHANS I met many new people and made some friends. And although it gave me a new insight into my problems through the regular therapy and careful medicine prescription at NIMHANS, I did not find the solution there.
When I came back to Kolkata, I was more depressed than ever. The psychosis and mania and insomnia occurred again. So we went to the SSKM hospital in Kolkata.
I still haven’t found the solution. What I mean by solution is mental peace.
Meditation does not have it. Psychologist does have it. I am also doing reiki healing. I think reiki works but I think what I am looking for outside me is already in me. But I don’t know how to use it.
Life is not perfect. It is an ongoing struggle. But there is hope.
I am 22 and I still have to go to therapy, get reiki healing, take medication,etc.
Do I have to feel handicapped?
No I don’t. I know that I am equally capable as everybody else. In fact I as a person can do more than others. In an internship training test I was the best of 400candidates my age not few days ago. I don’t blame mental health issues for anything. It is a part of me. If I can accept my good side I need to accept my bad side. There is no place for blaming in my life.
Do I feel like I could be more successful without my mental health issues?
No I would be less successful if I did not have the mental health issues.
Do I love myself?
I love myself and something I feel angry at myself but it’s all a learning process.
So I think you get the picture. It’s not a success story yet. It’s more like a mundane story.
Stay tuned for every Mondays when I surely upload blog posts. And have a great day dear amazing readers!