When I used to return home from school, I had to walk 10 minutes from my school to catch the bus(main) which took me to my home bus stop.
But there was another bus stand near my school where I got other buses to take me to the next bus stop where I could get my (main) bus.
So I used to take a bus ride to the next bus stop where I could catch my (main) bus because I used to feel too tired for the 10-minute walk.
One day I got on the first bus and two of my male classmates were on that bus.
And they asked me something like where I was going. I said that I was only taking the bus to go to the next stop where I would catch the (main) bus.
As I said this they cracked a joke. I don’t remember the exact joke. But I remember that the joke was on me. They meant to say I was “half-man” for not walking 10 minutes and taking the first bus.
This was one of my many experiences with toxic masculinity.
There are other experiences like always having expectations to be emotionless among male friends, talking about sports too much or simply disrespecting girls by considering them to be less human or worse.
And I hate this.
I hate this because this is a violation of our deepest ethics.
Do you have a sister? Do you or did you have a mother? How would you feel or what would you do if someone disrespected or did worse to them?
But just to be clear about my above experience of the bus, I think these standards of masculinity are very toxic.
“If you cry, you are not a man”
“If you take a bus to avoid pain, you are not a man.”
“If you watch romance movies, you are not a man.”
“If you follow your wife’s advice, you are not a man.”
I am not saying that there’s something wrong with being gay. But the word “half-man” in the above experience meant more than just LGBTQ. It meant not walking for 10 minutes and having less stamina, less alpha, less muscular, less testosterone, less extroverted, less confident, less aggressive, less stoic, less power, less control, less military, and less manly.
How can not walking for 10 minutes make you look “half-man”? The truth is I am emotional, I am not very muscular or extroverted or aggressive or stoic or controlling or military. But does that mean I am less manly?
“We now understand that femininity and masculinity are not innate but are based upon social and cultural conditions. Anthropologist Margaret Mead addressed the issue of differences in temperament of males and females in Sex and Temperament in Three Primitive Societies (1935). This early study concluded that there are no necessary differences in traits or temperaments between the sexes. Observed differences in temperament between men and women are not a function of their biological differences. Rather, they result from differences in socialization and the cultural expectations held for each sex.”
https://www.encyclopedia.com/social-sciences/encyclopedias-almanacs-transcripts-and-maps/femininitymasculinity
Even if the above quote said that the differences between men and women “are” due to biological differences, I would still advocate against toxic masculinity. Because toxic masculinity is unethical.
I believe that I am not less of a man. I can love reading, cooking, skincare, spirituality, romance movies and books, Sims 4 and so on and still be a man.
I can love those things and still fall in love with a woman, start a family, take the kids to karate class, ride a bike, drive a car, be happy, make a million dollars, start a startup, go to Martin Garrix’s shows, get tattoos, etc. because it’s time start making the meanings of words like “man” and “woman” a little loose.
I am listening to “Don’t Look Down” by Martin Garrix and Usher. And I think this is perfect for ending this blog post because this song means freedom and community to me.
And freedom from toxic masculinity and a community where women and feminine energy are not looked down upon and disrespected is what is needed now.
Let’s make freedom and a community that is free of toxic masculinity a reality.