Month: March 2023

My Story of Fighting Suicidal Ideations

My goal in this blog post is to make you believe that there is hope out of suicidal ideations, depression or any other mental illnesses in your life.

I remember it started 2 years ago. Before that, I had been suffering from bipolar disorder since 2015 and I had serious social anxiety. 

In 2018 I somehow passed class 12 with below-average marks and I dropped from 2 colleges in the span of 2 years. And in 2021 I was studying at an online college. 

Between 2017 to 2018 I had 3 psychotic episodes and although I didn’t share this in my previous blog post, in 2017, I attempted suicide and I had to go to Bangalore for treatment. I also started taking prescription medication for bipolar disorder since then. 

All this kind of made me doubt myself and I felt lost and confused. I remember I would say to my mom about my confusion and my suicidal ideations.

Although I didn’t take action on those thoughts, I remember days when I would play sad songs and stay up till 3 am. 

I remember in those moments the only hope for me was my mom. She gave me strength and hope. She made me who I am.

 I remember I started doing certain things-

  1. I started believing in the existence of hope(goodness, truth, real beauty, God)
  2. I took psychotherapy more seriously and took regular medications
  3. I started with small habits 
  4. I started to read books on mental health

I also went to an astrologer, which I have faith that it helped. I also did reiki healing on myself earlier which also helped me. 

What kept me going? What is hope to me?

Hope kept me going.

Hope is when I feel anxious to do something and I am unable to overcome the fear but something happens- a change of mind, a possibility in my mind opens because of someone or something inside or outside me and I am able to overcome the anxiety.


Hope is goodness, truth, real beauty, inspiration, a forgotten dream resurfacing, God, etc. 

It isn’t something we can control, but we can surrender to it and let it wash over us. 

And what I want to convey to you through this blog post is that hope exists. 


Live life for yourself, your dreams, your ambitions, your future contributions to others, helping others etc. 

I was listening to a podcast called “hope is real” by Jazz Thornton with Kevin Hines. Kevin Hines is someone who survived a suicide attempt by jumping from the Golden Gate Bridge. And he told his story of how a sea lion kept him floating on the water’s surface when he jumped.

What I learnt from the episode was “Asking for help makes you wise” not a failure. Maybe the words are slightly different but it’s what I remember is said by Jazz Thornton. 

Ask for help, see a therapist, take medication, do what you are passionate about, etc. Don’t give up. 

Every day I am fighting and I still get these ideations sometimes but I can handle them with the help of my therapist and doctors.

Believe that there’s hope for you. You matter. Your existence matters. 

You can overcome suicidal ideations.

Thank you for reading this crucial blog post. If you liked it then please share it on Facebook, Instagram and Twitter and other social media platforms. Also, comment on what you think of this blog post.

Disclaimer- I am not a psychologist or a doctor. This blog post is purely from my personal experience. I don’t provide medical advice. If you have mental health issues then please seek the help of a medical professional.

How I Deal With My Negative Self-Talk

Do you feel frustrated with your negative self-talk? Then read this blog post to know how I deal with it.

I used to frequently demean myself for doing stupid things. And although it’s considered normal and almost everybody does it, I think it’s important to reduce these self-demeaning thoughts.

It’s OK to sometimes think that you are weird or stupid. But sometimes these thoughts feel overwhelming and too much to handle.

In those situations, we need to calm our minds and relax a bit. And seek to become more self-aware.


A few weeks ago, I was reading a book called “How to Be Yourself: Quiet Your Inner Critic and Rise Above Social Anxiety” by Ellen Hendriksen (Affiliate link: I get a commission if you purchase the book through this link) and I read a part where the author makes the readers ask three easy questions.

These three questions from the book helped me deal with negative self-talk and reduce my anxiety-

  1. What’s the worst that can happen?
  2. What are the odds of that happening?
  3. How would you cope?

And I noticed that whenever I get anxious or do any negative self-talk, I ask myself these questions and I can become aware of why I felt negative or got a strong urge to call myself “stupid” or “loser”.

When I do this, I can reduce my negative feelings to something manageable.

For example, if I feel like a loser because I lied to someone about something unimportant because it would be very embarrassing to accept that I had lied. So I say to myself in negative self-talk,” You are just a loser”. 

If I immediately counter that by saying,” No, I am not a loser, I am a winner.”, I continue feeling bad for some reason. 

But if I ask myself the above three questions one by one, this is what happens-

Me – “What’s the worst that could happen in this situation?”

My answer- “Oh well, the person would call me a ‘liar’ out loudly and kick me out of the institute forever and people would know I am a ‘liar’.”

Me- “What are the odds of that happening?”

My answer- “Well, the person may ask why I lied. And I would say I was nervous. And he would probably trust me less.”

Me- “How would I cope?”

My answer- “I would probably listen to some sad songs and write a sad poem to myself and read spiritual stories and forgive myself through writing in my journal. It’s just one time I lied a silly lie, to one person. No big deal. I won’t repeat it and now past is past.”

This process makes me feel so much better. And I don’t feel like I am fighting an uphill battle against my mind.

This process also reduces my anxiety a lot and I feel like I can reduce these big and scary thoughts to something more manageable with just the second question,” What are the odds of that happening?”

And I also noticed that I can overcome more of my social anxiety with these questions in real life. I went to 3 big social events this month and I think those are big wins for me. I believe that’s because of the above book.

For all this, I want to thank Ellen Hendriksen, the author of the above-mentioned book “How to Be Yourself: Quiet Your Inner Critic and Rise Above Social Anxiety”. 

I haven’t finished listening to the whole audiobook on audible.in but I will do it soon. 

You can also use these questions to deal with your inner critic and negative self-talk and reduce your anxiety one question at a time.

Although I didn’t overcome my anxieties this month overnight. It took time. 

Also, the book’s original questions are phrased like this-

  1. How bad would that really be?
  2. What are the odds?
  3. How could I cope?

Also in the book originally the questions are only one part of the whole process. So don’t completely depend on me or think that this is the complete process. Please get the book and read it.

Thank you for reading this blog post. Do read the book and please comment on what you think about this blog post.

Disclaimer- I am not a psychologist or a doctor. If you have a mental illness, please seek the help of a professional. The advice in this blog post is just from my personal experience. For the full scientific process, read the mentioned book.

If you feel toxic masculinity is a problem, then read this.

When I used to return home from school, I had to walk 10 minutes from my school to catch the bus(main)  which took me to my home bus stop. 

But there was another bus stand near my school where I got other buses to take me to the next bus stop where I could get my (main) bus. 

So I used to take a bus ride to the next bus stop where I could catch my (main) bus because I used to feel too tired for the 10-minute walk.

One day I got on the first bus and two of my male classmates were on that bus. 

And they asked me something like where I was going. I said that I was only taking the bus to go to the next stop where I would catch the (main) bus. 

As I said this they cracked a joke. I don’t remember the exact joke. But I remember that the joke was on me. They meant to say I was “half-man” for not walking 10 minutes and taking the first bus.

This was one of my many experiences with toxic masculinity. 

There are other experiences like always having expectations to be emotionless among male friends, talking about sports too much or simply disrespecting girls by considering them to be less human or worse. 

And I hate this. 

I hate this because this is a violation of our deepest ethics. 

Do you have a sister? Do you or did you have a mother? How would you feel or what would you do if someone disrespected or did worse to them?

But just to be clear about my above experience of the bus, I think these standards of masculinity are very toxic. 

“If you cry, you are not a man”

“If you take a bus to avoid pain, you are not  a man.”

“If you watch romance movies, you are not a man.”

“If you follow your wife’s advice, you are not a man.”

I am not saying that there’s something wrong with being gay. But the word “half-man” in the above experience meant more than just LGBTQ. It meant not walking for 10 minutes and having less stamina, less alpha, less muscular, less testosterone, less extroverted, less confident, less aggressive, less stoic, less power, less control, less military, and less manly.

How can not walking for 10 minutes make you look “half-man”? The truth is I am emotional, I am not very muscular or extroverted or aggressive or stoic or controlling or military. But does that mean I am less manly?

“We now understand that femininity and masculinity are not innate but are based upon social and cultural conditions. Anthropologist Margaret Mead addressed the issue of differences in temperament of males and females in Sex and Temperament in Three Primitive Societies (1935). This early study concluded that there are no necessary differences in traits or temperaments between the sexes. Observed differences in temperament between men and women are not a function of their biological differences. Rather, they result from differences in socialization and the cultural expectations held for each sex.”

https://www.encyclopedia.com/social-sciences/encyclopedias-almanacs-transcripts-and-maps/femininitymasculinity

Even if the above quote said that the differences between men and women “are” due to biological differences, I would still advocate against toxic masculinity. Because toxic masculinity is unethical. 

I believe that I am not less of a man. I can love reading, cooking, skincare, spirituality, romance movies and books, Sims 4 and so on and still be a man. 

I can love those things and still fall in love with a woman, start a family, take the kids to karate class, ride a bike, drive a car, be happy, make a million dollars, start a startup, go to Martin Garrix’s shows, get tattoos, etc. because it’s time start making the meanings of words like “man” and “woman” a little loose.

I am listening to “Don’t Look Down” by Martin Garrix and Usher. And I think this is perfect for ending this blog post because this song means freedom and community to me. 

And freedom from toxic masculinity and a community where women and feminine energy are not looked down upon and disrespected is what is needed now. 

Let’s make freedom and a community that is free of toxic masculinity a reality.