January 2025 - Hope With Anirban

People

The author expresses a profound fear of people stemming from social anxiety, which severely restricts their daily activities. They believe that falling in love with a pursuit could help them confront this fear, though past experiences with rejection have made it challenging. Despite their anxiety, they remain hopeful for improvement.

Daily writing prompt

What’s the thing you’re most scared to do? What would it take to get you to do it?

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What am I scared of the most?

I am scared of people.

But I am scared of them a lot. Because I have social anxiety.

I am scared of people.

I don’t go out much because I am scared of people.

I don’t do it intentionally. It is too severe in me.

What would it take to get me to face my social anxiety?

I think love.

If I fall in love with an endeavor that compels me to face social anxiety, I will face it.

It doesn’t have to be a person with whom I fall in love. It could be a vision, a task, a hobby, a business idea, a plan, etc.

I have fallen in love before, with business ideas, with tasks, hobbies, plans. But I guess the fear keeps coming back.

I am scared of rejection. Because I am afraid to be myself in front of people.

Conclusion

I hope things get better.

Thank you for reading this short blog post. Let me know what you think and please like, share and follow my blog.

What I Learnt From Psychosis

In 2017, I faced a challenging journey through psychosis, filled with confusion and intense experiences. However, this struggle taught me valuable lessons in humility, the importance of grounding oneself in science, and trusting mental health professionals. Ultimately, I emerged grateful for the growth and self-belief I gained from this experience.

When I was 17, I had a psychotic episode. Or more precisely one major psychotic episode and many mania episodes spread around the months of the year 2017.

So 2017 wasn’t really a happy year for me.

So before I jump into what lessons I learnt, I want to give you a brief explanation of my experience.

Brief History of My Psychosis

Here are the things I experienced-

I suspected that everyone wanted to kill me.
I thought I was God (literally).
I thought I was in an alternate reality where I could do anything I wanted and no one would hold me accountable.
I thought I would write in a journal and if I scribbled over it, it would become real.
I thought I was channeling some spirits by writing in a journal.
I even thought I was doing automatic writing (actually).
I would notice something and associate it with synchronicities. (For example, if I thought a negative thought and the dog outside barked at that moment, I thought it was God telling me to stop thinking that thought).
Things would happen to rescue me from difficult situations and I noticed them instantly like someone playing a soothing music that would make me feel calm.
When I closed my eyes, I would think I have no thoughts. I would be afraid to close my eyes because it was just too empty inside my mind(thoughtless).
I also couldn’t sleep at night (insomnia).

The Actual Learnings

Here are the things I learnt from my psychotic experience-

Humility
I learnt that what the scriptures say that “Aham Brahmasmi” (You are that), it’s not literally true in the gross sense of the word “ego” or “I”.

When we say I am God, we don’t mean that the person that you are is God. We mean… well I don’t know. But we shouldn’t take it literally.

If you don’t know the truth, you need to stay humble and admit that you don’t know everything.
Belief In Science
I learnt to ground myself in science. I know spiritual beliefs sound cool. But they are not practical.

Automatic writing may be real, but there may not be spirits or souls to channel or do automatic writing with.

There’s always a scientific explanation.
Coincidences are real
There are coincidences and those may be planned by God. But there may not be any synchronicities.

It means if something happens and if you superstitiously believe something else like someone’s photo frame falling from the wall and breaking doesn’t mean that their life is in danger.
Trust Psychiatry and Psychology
These two fields: psychiatry and psychology, are a Godsend for people like me.

They help you heal from the inside.

And if only you take the medications regularly and go to therapy regularly, then you can improve your mental health.
Belief in Myself
I learnt self-belief without thinking that I am omnipotent.

Swami Vivekananda said that he who doesn’t believe in God is not an atheist, he who doesn’t believe in himself is an atheist.

I believe in myself. I believe in Anirban(me).

Conclusion

These are the things I learnt from my psychotic experience in 2017.

If my psychosis hadn’t happened I would still be more superstitious than I am today. I am grateful for my psychosis.

I am way more scientific minded now because of my negative experiences with psychosis.

Thank you for reading this blog post. If you like this blog post, please like, comment and share with your friends and family members.

My Realizations on Satisfaction part 1

The post discusses the struggle between desiring success and the need for satisfaction, particularly for individuals dealing with mental health issues. It highlights how trauma can hinder achievement, affecting self-esteem and confidence. The author encourages mental health fighters to forgive themselves for not meeting their success expectations, emphasizing understanding and compassion.

Everybody knows that they should be satisfied with what they have.

And yet they (including me) seek more success and more achievements.

And the funny thing is they can’t suppress their desire for success by telling themselves to be satisfied. No one can.

If you want success and you are not satisfied, don’t force yourself to be satisfied.

But sometimes, especially in the case of mental health fighters, one cannot fulfill all of their desires of success because of their traumatic mental illness related experiences and the time it takes to heal through medicines and counseling.

It’s like a handicap situation.

The hardships that people with mental illnesses go through leave them in a situation from where it’s difficult to achieve success with the same energy and force as before the mental illness.

Their self-esteem is damaged. Their self-confidence is damaged. Plus there are the symptoms of their specific mental illnesses.

And it takes a lot to have just a little success let alone more success.

So mental health fighters need to forgive themselves if they can’t do certain things or if they can’t perform at the level that’s required for achieving their expectations of success.

That’s what I wanted to write in this blog post.

Thank you for reading this blog post. And please comment if you struggled with mental illness and how you feel about success and satisfaction?

First Be A Good Person

A good leader must first embody qualities of a good person, defined primarily by honesty and integrity. While not perfect, such individuals stay true to their word and admit their mistakes. Morality is crucial, often valuing personal character as much as success or wealth. The reflection on leadership is influenced by personal experiences.

Daily writing prompt

What makes a good leader?

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I belief a good leader must be a good person even before they start leading people.

What is a good person?

Now this one is what I can answer.

I can answer this NOT because I think I am a good person.

I am not a bad person. I am moderately good. But only other people’s statements regarding my character will be true.

Who are they?

So what is a good person?

I have read the Bhagavad Gita’s Chapter 2 but I will not borrow definitions from it because that’s not verified by me with direct experience.

In my opinion, a good person is a person who is honest(to himself/herself always and to others most of the time).

I know a person who is older than me. They are a leader in their profession. And they are good as a person in the common sense. But they are also honest to the extent that they will go out of their way to keep their word.

It’s 21^st century and I am talking about the “word”.

Who cares about honesty these days? Right?

Well, the answer isn’t “nobody”. Although nobody is honest all the time. And nobody is flawless. There are people who are honest and pure hearted.

Honest to themselves.

They would admit they are wrong even if it means their opponents would win.

Morality is as important as money or success.

The person I was talking about can be any good leader in the world.

But I had my mother’s life floating before my eyes when I was writing the above lines.

Same goes for my elder sister.

Conclusion

Thank you for reading this blog post. Please comment your opinion on what a good leader is.

To experience the beauty of existence

The author reflects on their mission to experience the beauty of existence rather than conforming to societal expectations. They emphasize the importance of mental over physical beauty, valuing philosophy, art, and personal growth. Their goal is to integrate these passions into their life, relationships, and future business, creating a meaningful legacy.

Daily writing prompt

What is your mission?

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My mission isn’t exactly written anywhere yet. Not even in a journal somewhere.

But it’s clear in my mind.

I want to experience the beauty of existence.

Let me explain.

I never liked the rat race. Study, college, job, MBA, better job, business, marriage, children, old-age. What else?

It’s just a giant conspiracy against us to not do what we are meant to do.

To experience the beauty of existence right here, right now.

Beauty of existence

My definition of beauty starts with the mind.

Physical beauty is ok but it’s not permanent.

Mental beauty is more permanent than physical beauty.

Philosophy, maths, accounting, video editing, programming, art, stories, novels, etc.

For me these and other similar things are beauty.

Not the physical aspects, but the mental complexities and journey of growth that these skills bring inside a person.

Be in the world, but not of it

I want to start a business, do MBA, marry, have children, be old and die.

But my mission, that is my purpose in life, is to experience the beauty of existence by making philosophy and math and novels and programming and so on a part of my life.

I want to make my business around experience the beauty of existence.

I want my MBA journey to show those activities.

I want to marry a person who will help me experience philosophy, math, novels, etc.

I want to teach my children these things.

And when I am old and on my death bed I want to smile while reading a good philosophical novel.

Conclusion

Thank you for reading this blog post. Please like and comment your opinions.

By the way I am late. I realize that. I generally post on Mondays but because I had been struggling with my mental health lately, I am late.

I am glad you stuck around and read this line. Thanks a lot!