November 2022 - Hope With Anirban

What Is Hope To Me? (Warning: Sensitive Mental Health Story)

Hope to me is an angelic force that knows when I need answers most, when I need to learn a lesson, when I need to suffer, when I need to realise the truth about a situation and when the right time comes I need to surrender.

Story

I remember after my major psychotic episode in 2017, I was taken to the hospital. And I was so scared. I thought strange thoughts and was so scared.

When the doctor came, he asked something which I don’t remember. But I said, “I love you”.

The doctor smiled and said something like “You love me?”

Then I forgot what happened. My parents visited me and I was relieved.

Later the hospital referred me to NIMHANS, Bangalore.

I had no hope except my belief that there’s something higher in existence that is most true and divine.

So I said,” I love you” to the doctor. Not because he was beautiful or something else. But because I was scared. I was so scared of myself, so scared of my thoughts and I had no confidence in myself during my psychotic episode. I had to believe in that invisible higher truth/force which most probably is the expression of the words ”I love you”.

Love is, in my opinion, one of the closest expressions of truth.

Maybe I said it because I was scared. But that’s what I felt would keep me sane.

And I was referred to NIMHANS, where they treated me further and I made many new friends.

Slowly things got better.

And things are much better now. I haven’t had to go through psychosis since 2017 and I am well on my way to graduating college and finding work.

Conclusion

I think things are never bad indefinitely. Life gets better. There’s hope. And there’s family, friends, work, truth, etc.

As the famous proverb says- This Too Shall Pass. I too say “This Too Shall Pass”.

Thank you for reading this blog post on what is hope to me. Please comment, what is hope to you in a few words?

Why I Love EDM (Electronic Dance Music)

In this blog post, I will write about EDM(electronic dance music) and why I love it.

I used to think that it wasn’t possible to explain why one loves a certain type of music. But I will take the risk and try to explain it because I love EDM so much.

Reasons Why I Love It

Here’s a list of reasons-

It makes me feel free
When I hear it I feel connected to other people
It has the perfect balance between feelings and dance
The beats automatically make me want to move and dance
Remixes give new life to original songs
I love the “noise”, it helps me focus when writing
It feels positive

So that’s why I love EDM.

When I was in high school, I loved listening to remixes of Hindi songs and from there I started listening to David Guetta’s songs. That’s how my love for EDM started.

Now my favourite artists are Avicii(RIP), Martin Jensen, The Chainsmokers, Jonas Blue, Martin Garrix, etc. in no particular order.

Why I love EDM in a few words would be “the noise where feelings meet dance”.

There’s another reason why I love EDM. That’s because of hope.

When I listen to EDM, I am immediately transported to a place where there’s hope. I don’t know how to describe it but it feels like the end, the final place, the destination and so on.

It’s the goal I want to reach and listening to EDM temporarily transports me to that goal.

Maybe you feel the same way or differently about your favourite music. It’s just how I feel.

What do I intend to do with this type of music? I aim to listen to it more, learn about it more, learn music, learn music production and DJing as a hobby and learn to appreciate it more.

Conclusion

To sum up, EDM is “the noise where feelings meet dance” for me. And that’s why I love it.

Thank you for reading this blog post. Please comment- What is your favourite genre of music? How does it make you feel?

Why It’s Ok To Not Be Spiritual

In this blog post, I write why it’s ok to not be spiritual.

I will write my opinion here and it’s not necessarily correct or scientifically verifiable.

Why I Am Not Spiritual

I was listening to Ramakrishna Mission’s Swami Sarvapriyananda’s talk on focus, self-confidence and selflessness yesterday and I felt inspired by him. I got so inspired that I studied my academic books for a long time yesterday.

Today I was listening to his talk on Brahman. And I remembered that I get scared when I listen to and think about these spiritual topics.

I think this happens because I have some psychological trauma or neurosis that triggers fear in me. I don’t know if this is scientifically true.

So I am not spiritual in the sense that I don’t meditate, read scriptures, or do any kind of yoga. But I have faith in God.

There may be many people who are not spiritual. Maybe they don’t have the time or they don’t prioritise it or maybe they have fear in their minds like me.

And it’s OK. It’s totally fine if one doesn’t do spirituality or believes in it.

I believe that spirituality is about being yourself. It’s about realising your faults and blessings and becoming a good human being.

A good human being in behaviour and thinking in every aspect of life and with all human beings and living organisms and the environment.

A big part of being spiritual in my opinion is to realise that you are not perfect and that you can be a better human being. It’s about prioritising “self-realisation” and by that, I mean realising your highest good nature.

Example of Addiction Recovery

Suppose you are a substance addict. You clearly are not being yourself and not being a human being you can be proud of.

In that case, you need to go to the doctor and go through the addiction recovery process. And you will become a better human being in that process.

In this way, you are (self-) realising your potential goodness to reality. I think that in the first step of the twelve-step program by Alcoholics Anonymous, one needs to admit their problems honestly.

twelve-step program
a distinctive approach to overcoming addictive, compulsive, or behavioral problems that was developed initially in Alcoholics Anonymous (AA) to guide recovery from alcoholism and is now used, often in an adapted form, by a number of other self-help groups. The twelve-step program in AA asks each member to (a) admit that he or she cannot control his or her drinking; (b) recognize a supreme spiritual power, which can give the member strength; (c) examine past errors, a process that is carried out with another member who serves as sponsor; (d) make amends for these errors; (e) develop a new code and style of life; and (f) help other alcoholics who are in need of support. Variations of this model also exist for drug abuse and addiction, gambling addiction, and other problems.
APA Dictionary of Psychology[1]

So what’s that? That’s realising your faults. That’s moving towards self-realisation.

You don’t need to read spiritual books to be spiritual. You are spiritual by your very nature.

But in the common sense of the word, I think it’s not necessary to be spiritual. And it’s Ok if you are not.

Even though I am not spiritual, I will probably listen to Swamiji’s talks on non-spiritual topics. And continue occasional deep breathing relaxation techniques when necessary.

Maybe the thing is my time hasn’t arrived yet to dive into spirituality. Maybe that’s the case. Who knows? I will just have faith in God and do the right thing now and when the time comes.

Conclusion

Thank you for reading this blog post on why it’s ok to not be spiritual. Please comment- Are you spiritual? You are also welcome to explain why you are or aren’t spiritual.

References-

APA Dictionary of Psychology -Twelve-Step Program, https://dictionary.apa.org/twelve-step-program

8 Reasons Why I Need To Learn Santhali (My Mother Tongue)

In this blog post, I will write about why it’s important that I learn and know Santhali, my mother tongue.

I am a Santhal, from the Santali community. We are one of the biggest Adivasi communities in India and we have our own language, our own script, our own religion and everything else.

Growing up I didn’t get the opportunity to be surrounded by people from my Santhali community. And so I don’t know how to speak my mother tongue fluently.

My grandparents came to the city from their village for jobs. My parents know Santhali but I face problems with that.

So you might think, why is this guy writing a blog post on learning his mother tongue? Isn’t knowing English and Hindi enough to live a good life in India?

My answer is “No”.

Knowing my mother tongue is important for many reasons-

Survival of our identity as Santhals
Survival of our culture
Empowering our people to live self-actualised lives
Contributing to the larger society through sharing the wisdom and lessons from our culture
Celebrating the sacrifices of our leaders
Creating Santhali literature in our own Ol Chiki script
Feeling unity and pride for our community
Upholding our religious and spiritual practices and traditions

I am sure there are more reasons but these came to my mind at the moment.

So currently I am learning Santhali and Ol Chiki script on my own. I would love some guidance but even if I don’t get the guidance, I believe I will be able to learn them very quickly with conscious effort if I am focused.

I am listening to the Santhali Akhra radio show on AIR Kolkata Geetanjali Akashwani radio station almost every day and I am asking my family members to speak to me in Santhali. I also listen to Santhali songs and I especially love Singrai Soren’s “Sekej Sekej” song.

Sometimes I feel demotivated due to my slow progress but I need to have faith in myself and a little patience to learn the language and the script.

So this was my blog post on why it’s important for me to learn Santhali. Please comment- What is your mother tongue and do you know it well?

Thoughts on Dickinson (Season 1) – Series on Apple TV+ (Hope)

I watched season 1 of Dickinson series on Apple TV+ (on the life of Emily Dickinson, the American poet) probably two months ago. And I loved it and wanted to share my thoughts on it. I didn’t get the time to watch season 2 but I will watch it soon.

So first of all the thing that makes me love the series is the personality and acting of Hailee Steinfield as Emily Dickinson. I think the acting of Emily Dickinson is exaggerated in order to make the series more entertaining but I have no doubt that the lessons from Emily Dickinson’s life are accurately conveyed.

Here are some things I loved about the series-

The personality of Emily Dickinson
The feminism
The expression of a complex individual in the form of poetry

Personality of Emily Dickinson

I loved how the personality of Emily Dickinson is portrayed in the series. Even though anyone who had seen Emily Dickinson in real life is not alive now and even though her personality may be exaggerated I feel inspired and I enjoy watching her in the series.

She seemed very interesting, even though she was not a published poet, even though she didn’t marry and even though she was dependent on her family for survival.

I think the acting is fabulously done by Hailee Steinfield. Hailee herself has a great personality of her own but in the series where she plays Emily Dickinson, she acts as a daughter, sister, friend, lover, feminist, etc.

The use of the modern English Language instead of old English makes her more relatable. Also, the dialogues sound really cool.

The Feminism

I remember that Emily would raise her voice again patriarchy and have a very liberal perspective.

She seemed like a very progressive-minded person and ahead of her time. What she thought two hundred years ago, we are thinking now.

She also mocked the fact that only men could do certain things and women were not allowed to do them, things such as attending university and so on.

The Expression Of A Complex Individual In The Form Of Poetry

Now, this is purely my opinion that she was a complex individual. She had depth in her character. She was extraordinary at writing poems and was a brilliant thinker.

When I read her poems I feel strong emotions. I am moved by her poems and I even have her poem on my laptop wallpaper.

Her poems are true, authentic and bold. And I am sure there are many other adjectives to describe her poems. But to me, her words are like a shining ray of light in the darkness of mundane life.

And all that comes from Emily Dickinson, who never published her poems in her lifetime?
At every point in time while watching the series I could relate to Emily because I am similar to her, not as a poet or a writer but as a person who loves expression. This is purely my opinion.

Conclusion

Now the point I am trying to make by sharing this review of Dickinson(Apple TV+ series) is that of the message of Emily Dickinson’s life.

I think her life teaches hope in a person’s life. How she decided to sacrifice her fame as a poet and kept writing even though no one would read and appreciate it in her life except a few people, is inspiring.

Although her poems were discovered and published later after her death, I think that the dedication to living a life where she followed her passion for writing, is inspiring.

Thank you for reading this blog post. Please comment- Have you read any of Emily Dickinson’s poems?

Being Emotional Is Not Bad For Men

In this blog post, I will write, in my opinion, about being emotional and how it is healthy and shouldn’t be seen as a bad thing for both men and women but especially men.

Let me tell you a story before diving deeper into the topic.

Story Time

I recently watched Tokyo Ghoul, the anime. The protagonist of the anime series is Kaneki who is an emotional person and likes reading books.

But he has low self-esteem. And he went through physical torture from an enemy which left him traumatized. He is also mentally unstable and has developed an alternate personality to cope with the trauma which I am not sure how much of it is scientifically accurate.

His whole journey throughout seasons 1 through the last season is to integrate his personality and introspect in his dreams through various events and external conflicts.

Ultimately, in the end, he emerges victoriously and becomes confident and integrated and lives a happy life after conquering his enemies and bringing peace among ghouls and humans.

I am sure he loves reading even now after integrating his personality. He is an emotional and happy man.

Deep Dive

Now let’s dive deep.

In my opinion, being emotional has nothing to do with being weak or being less manly. It is totally normal to be emotional.

We can cry after watching a sad movie, laugh heartily at a joyful event, express grief over someone’s death.

We need not suppress our emotions as men.

I don’t know exactly how much suppressing our emotions harms our mental health because I am not a psychiatrist. But I strongly believe that no feelings are bad. All feelings must be felt.

So the next time anyone tries to make you feel ashamed about expressing your feelings, just ignore them and express your feelings.

I know that it’s harder than the way I say it but we need to try. Maybe you are in the wrong place if you are not allowed to express your feelings.

It’s not selfish of you. It is totally normal to express your feelings in a healthy way.

Conclusion

Being emotional is not bad because expressing your feelings is normal and natural in my opinion for both men and women.

Thank you for reading this blog post. Please comment-

How do you feel when you or someone else makes you suppress your emotions? Do you feel good or not so good? And why do you think that happens?

Decisions Are Made Before We Think Them

In this blog post, I will write about why I think decisions are made even before we think about them.

We think that we should make the right decisions. But the truth is decisions are already made for us.

In my opinion, decisions are made for us in the sense that we are only the pawns of truth.

Let me tell you a story.

When I was in class 10, I chose science as my stream. I then got detained in class 11 and chose science again.

I had the choice of choosing commerce or arts. But I chose science.

Because I thought I was good at science and it was only my social anxiety that was hampering my studies, “I” stuck to “my” decision.

And everyone in my family supported my decision.

But the truth was I couldn’t have chosen any other option. I had an option and it was a decision I made. But I also had no option.

Even if I forced myself to choose arts, I would have felt guilty.

All the reasons were stacked against arts.

Almost everyone in my family studied science. And arts is an unfamiliar subject for my family members. And I didn’t know if I liked arts.

So I chose science.

There are many more similar stories which I am not comfortable sharing at the moment.

Stories where you know you have nothing to lose and you choose your dreams over a “normal” life are also something we think we decide. But actually, the decisions are made even before we think about them.

Again there’s a spiritual side to it as well. But I will not go into it because I am not that knowledgeable in spirituality.

But it is also clear when we look back into the past that the dots connect perfectly and it’s all decided beforehand.

Conclusion

So I invite you to sit down and reflect on your life and see how all your past decisions and events led you to where you are right now.

Thank you for reading this blog post. Please comment- On a scale from 1 to 5 how grateful are you for all the past decisions that led you where you are right now?

Music Could be Good For Your Mental Health

In this post, I will write about how music has helped me in my mental health journey.

So I was diagnosed in 2015 and I have been going through treatment for depression, bipolar disorder and social anxiety.

Music has helped me immensely.

Apart from listening to music, I found huge benefits from practising music. I got admitted to a singing class and I love it. I love the practice, the sound, the Sargam, etc.

Although it’s not my main career, I love it as a hobby.

So I have always loved music but the problem was with the consistency of practice. I was not practising regularly.

3 years ago I started harmonium classes and continued them for a few months. Then I joined singing classes online earlier this year and continued for 2 weeks.

I was not prioritizing it and not practising daily. But with that fixed, I feel much more confident.

I feel more peaceful and in a flow state when practising music.

So basically I am practising with vocals and keyboard and I am trying to learn the fundamentals first.

I can’t sing well though and I am trying to improve. It will take time and though I am impatient, I will learn patience along with the mastery of music.

The main things that I want to highlight are “flow” and “peace”.

Flow is when we become so focused and feel bliss in a task that we forget the passage of time. And peace is when we feel peaceful.

Everybody’s mental health can improve with bliss and peace in my opinion.

It’s a different matter that learning music may not be everybody’s preference. But it’s a good path to choose if that’s one’s priority.

For me practising music has helped me feel more peaceful and in the flow and is good for my mental health.

Thank you for reading this blog post. Please comment on which song makes you feel peaceful?

A New Perspective On Social Anxiety

I would like to write about my privilege.

Before that, I would like to tell you a story.

Once there was a boy with a mental illness. But people didn’t know that his condition was due to mental illness. The boy acted normally except he wouldn’t socialize much. Most times he wouldn’t socialize with people and would avoid people. He would also do rude facial expressions and sweat a lot. He would sometimes passively say rude things to avoid people.

So people thought he was too arrogant and self-centered.

But the boy asked for forgiveness from God in his heart every time he did something rude. He would say to himself in his mind,” I don’t want to be rude. But I can’t help it. I have social anxiety. Hope you understand.”

Only time will tell but I hope the boy finds peace and happiness in life and so do the people in his life.

Now let’s talk about my privilege.

I have been on both the receiving and the giving end of the spectrum of the above story.

I have been through social anxiety and I have seen people go through social anxiety. I have misjudged many people and I deeply regret it. And I have been through enough situations to understand people’s pain.

My privilege is that I have been through mental illness to be able to relate to the pain of others who are going through mental illness.

The reason I wanted to bring this perspective to your attention is that I think people suffer in silence even though other people see them as inflicting the suffering.

I think we need to have more empathy and actively seek to include people.

This verse from The Bible says it best-

“Do not judge, and you will not be judged. Do not condemn, and you will not be condemned. Forgive, and you will be forgiven.” – Luke 6:37

Also, I think we need to take it one step further by trying to forgive them even before they ask for forgiveness, and by thinking good thoughts for them.

This applies to both perspectives of the story.

Thank you for reading this blog post. If you liked this then like it and share it.