What I Learnt From Psychosis

When I was 17, I had a psychotic episode. Or more precisely one major psychotic episode and many mania episodes spread around the months of the year 2017.

So 2017 wasn’t really a happy year for me.

So before I jump into what lessons I learnt, I want to give you a brief explanation of my experience.

Brief History of My Psychosis

Here are the things I experienced-

1. I suspected that everyone wanted to kill me.
2. I thought I was God (literally).
3. I thought I was in an alternate reality where I could do anything I wanted and no one would hold me accountable.
4. I thought I would write in a journal and if I scribbled over it, it would become real.
5. I thought I was channeling some spirits by writing in a journal.
6. I even thought I was doing automatic writing (actually).
7. I would notice something and associate it with synchronicities. (For example, if I thought a negative thought and the dog outside barked at that moment, I thought it was God telling me to stop thinking that thought).
8. Things would happen to rescue me from difficult situations and I noticed them instantly like someone playing a soothing music that would make me feel calm.
9. When I closed my eyes, I would think I have no thoughts. I would be afraid to close my eyes because it was just too empty inside my mind(thoughtless).
10. I also couldn’t sleep at night (insomnia).

The Actual Learnings

Here are the things I learnt from my psychotic experience-

1. Humility
   I learnt that what the scriptures say that “Aham Brahmasmi” (You are that), it’s not literally true in the gross sense of the word “ego” or “I”.
   
   When we say I am God, we don’t mean that the person that you are is God. We mean… well I don’t know. But we shouldn’t take it literally.
   
   If you don’t know the truth, you need to stay humble and admit that you don’t know everything.
   
2. Belief In Science
   I learnt to ground myself in science. I know spiritual beliefs sound cool. But they are not practical.
   
   Automatic writing may be real, but there may not be spirits or souls to channel or do automatic writing with.
   
   There’s always a scientific explanation.
   
3. Coincidences are real
   There are coincidences and those may be planned by God. But there may not be any synchronicities.
   
   It means if something happens and if you superstitiously believe something else like someone’s photo frame falling from the wall and breaking doesn’t mean that their life is in danger.
   
4. Trust Psychiatry and Psychology
   These two fields: psychiatry and psychology, are a Godsend for people like me.
   
   They help you heal from the inside.
   
   And if only you take the medications regularly and go to therapy regularly, then you can improve your mental health.
5. Belief in Myself
   I learnt self-belief without thinking that I am omnipotent.
   
   Swami Vivekananda said that he who doesn’t believe in God is not an atheist, he who doesn’t believe in himself is an atheist.
   
   I believe in myself. I believe in Anirban(me).

Conclusion

These are the things I learnt from my psychotic experience in 2017.

If my psychosis hadn’t happened I would still be more superstitious than I am today. I am grateful for my psychosis.

I am way more scientific minded now because of my negative experiences with psychosis.

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