Tag: psychosis

People pray for people

When I was going through the worst phase of my life during my psychosis in 2017, my parents told me that that a neighbour’s family in our building prayed for my well being.

When I heard that it gave me hope.

Why would strangers pray for me?

I didn’t help them in any way in life. Nor do I have anything to give them.

But still they prayed for me.

Maybe it’s just that they closed their eyes and asked God,”Please help that boy God!”

It still brings tears of gratitude in me.

I’m grateful that you read this line. Thanks a lot!

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What I Learnt From Psychosis

In 2017, I faced a challenging journey through psychosis, filled with confusion and intense experiences. However, this struggle taught me valuable lessons in humility, the importance of grounding oneself in science, and trusting mental health professionals. Ultimately, I emerged grateful for the growth and self-belief I gained from this experience.

When I was 17, I had a psychotic episode. Or more precisely one major psychotic episode and many mania episodes spread around the months of the year 2017.

So 2017 wasn’t really a happy year for me.

So before I jump into what lessons I learnt, I want to give you a brief explanation of my experience.

Brief History of My Psychosis

Here are the things I experienced-

  1. I suspected that everyone wanted to kill me.
  2. I thought I was God (literally).
  3. I thought I was in an alternate reality where I could do anything I wanted and no one would hold me accountable.
  4. I thought I would write in a journal and if I scribbled over it, it would become real.
  5. I thought I was channeling some spirits by writing in a journal.
  6. I even thought I was doing automatic writing (actually).
  7. I would notice something and associate it with synchronicities. (For example, if I thought a negative thought and the dog outside barked at that moment, I thought it was God telling me to stop thinking that thought).
  8. Things would happen to rescue me from difficult situations and I noticed them instantly like someone playing a soothing music that would make me feel calm.
  9. When I closed my eyes, I would think I have no thoughts. I would be afraid to close my eyes because it was just too empty inside my mind(thoughtless).
  10. I also couldn’t sleep at night (insomnia).

The Actual Learnings

Here are the things I learnt from my psychotic experience-

  1. Humility
    I learnt that what the scriptures say that “Aham Brahmasmi” (You are that), it’s not literally true in the gross sense of the word “ego” or “I”.

    When we say I am God, we don’t mean that the person that you are is God. We mean… well I don’t know. But we shouldn’t take it literally.

    If you don’t know the truth, you need to stay humble and admit that you don’t know everything.
  2. Belief In Science
    I learnt to ground myself in science. I know spiritual beliefs sound cool. But they are not practical.

    Automatic writing may be real, but there may not be spirits or souls to channel or do automatic writing with.

    There’s always a scientific explanation.
  3. Coincidences are real
    There are coincidences and those may be planned by God. But there may not be any synchronicities.

    It means if something happens and if you superstitiously believe something else like someone’s photo frame falling from the wall and breaking doesn’t mean that their life is in danger.
  4. Trust Psychiatry and Psychology
    These two fields: psychiatry and psychology, are a Godsend for people like me.

    They help you heal from the inside.

    And if only you take the medications regularly and go to therapy regularly, then you can improve your mental health.
  5. Belief in Myself
    I learnt self-belief without thinking that I am omnipotent.

    Swami Vivekananda said that he who doesn’t believe in God is not an atheist, he who doesn’t believe in himself is an atheist.

    I believe in myself. I believe in Anirban(me).

Conclusion

These are the things I learnt from my psychotic experience in 2017.

If my psychosis hadn’t happened I would still be more superstitious than I am today. I am grateful for my psychosis.

I am way more scientific minded now because of my negative experiences with psychosis.

Thank you for reading this blog post. If you like this blog post, please like, comment and share with your friends and family members.

What Is Hope To Me? (Warning: Sensitive Mental Health Story)

Hope to me is an angelic force that knows when I need answers most, when I need to learn a lesson, when I need to suffer, when I need to realise the truth about a situation and when the right time comes I need to surrender.

Story

I remember after my major psychotic episode in 2017, I was taken to the hospital. And I was so scared. I thought strange thoughts and was so scared.

When the doctor came, he asked something which I don’t remember. But I said, “I love you”.

The doctor smiled and said something like “You love me?”

Then I forgot what happened. My parents visited me and I was relieved.

Later the hospital referred me to NIMHANS, Bangalore.

I had no hope except my belief that there’s something higher in existence that is most true and divine.

So I said,” I love you” to the doctor. Not because he was beautiful or something else. But because I was scared. I was so scared of myself, so scared of my thoughts and I had no confidence in myself during my psychotic episode. I had to believe in that invisible higher truth/force which most probably is the expression of the words ”I love you”.

Love is, in my opinion, one of the closest expressions of truth.

Maybe I said it because I was scared. But that’s what I felt would keep me sane.

And I was referred to NIMHANS, where they treated me further and I made many new friends.

Slowly things got better.

And things are much better now. I haven’t had to go through psychosis since 2017 and I am well on my way to graduating college and finding work.

Conclusion

I think things are never bad indefinitely. Life gets better. There’s hope. And there’s family, friends, work, truth, etc.

As the famous proverb says- This Too Shall Pass. I too say “This Too Shall Pass”.

Thank you for reading this blog post on what is hope to me. Please comment, what is hope to you in a few words?