Tag: mental-illness

Is making mistakes in life worth it?

I know I need to change.

Because I was wrong all this time.

When I was a teenager I ignored friends who genuinely cared for me and chased people who were too arrogant to be my friend.

In school and college I focused on the wrong sets of values – marks, college name, too much all round development activities instead of knowledge, focus and hardwork.

Truth be told I was arrogant and a lot more selfish than I am today.

But it was also not entirely my fault because it is a mental illness.

Now I feel like I made these mistakes in life unknowingly and I am feeling regret.

But if I think that way, I would be wrong.

Because people don’t regret things they did, but things they didn’t.

I actually did stuff. I failed multiple times in life. I lost friends. I messed up big time.

But that gave me wisdom.

I know the value of simplicity, humility and a realistic perspective because I had none of these values until a few years ago.

So yes, making mistakes in life is worth it 100%.

I’m glad you read this line. Thanks a lot!

I wish I could study and work more every day

What do you wish you could do more every day?

Study and Work

I wish I could study and work more every day.

I study and work on projects sometimes related to my MBA Data Science degree.

But I get tired and get mood swings.

I bet everyone gets these mood swings when sitting down to study.

But they study regardless of their mood.

I need to work on my “study regardless of their mood” aspect.

Relation to mental health

My bipolar disorder is also responsible for my difficulties in studying long hours.

It’s not like I don’t want to study and work. It’s just that I can’t.

Writing helps me tremendously to cope with the frustration of being unable to study.

But I guess I need to draw a line between what I can do and what I expect myself to achieve.

Satisfaction

  1. What I can do is – study for 2 hours.
    What I expect myself to achieve is – study 4-5 hours.
  2. What I can do is – go out with family, friends, relatives, etc. and sometimes alone to the barber’s saloon.
    What I expect myself to achieve is –
    • to travel from my town to the city by bus, or
    • take a public transportation facility,
    • to talk to strangers,
    • to make friends,
    • to go to regular/offline university, etc.
  3. What I can do is – be satisfied and work hard for uplifting genuine values like honesty, integrity, generosity, etc.
    What I expect myself to achieve is – to achieve external success that has no meaning expect earning more money.

What I can do and what I expect myself to do are two different things. They are not the same things.

Conclusion

Sure I can aim to study more but I need to be satisfied with what I have.

I can try to study and work for 3 hours next time. Or may 2.5 hours.

Because my circumstances are different.

Wanting more isn’t always necessary because we don’t need to compare ourselves with others.

I need to take it slow.

I’m glad you’re reading this line. Thanks a lot!

How to be patient?

So, in 2015, therapy felt pointless for this person until they met Dr. Prasanta Kumar Roy in 2017, who really understood them and helped them heal from BPAD. They emphasize faith and patience in overcoming suffering, suggesting that finding hope and keeping busy is key to coping with tough times.

When I was going to therapy in 2015, I was just told to do Cognitive Behavioral Therapy(CBT) homework.

The problem wasn’t that I won’t do it. The problem was I didn’t feel like doing it.

I didn’t have a problem with CBT but I had a problem with them not fixing my emotional states.

My Favorite Psychologist

It’s only in 2017 when I found a great psychologist who doesn’t even charge any fees if one goes through the public healthcare system of standing in the queue for 2 hours.

It was then that I truly got healed from my BPAD.

He is Dr. Prasanta Kumar Roy and he sits in Kolkata’s SSKM hospital.

He made me feel for the first time that a psychologist understood me.

But that was before 4-5 years of changing many psychologists. And years of suffering inflicted by my own mind.

Questions & Answers

Why do we suffer so much? How to be patient so that the suffering ends one day? How to wait till that day?

I think we suffer because we don’t have faith.

Plain and simple. We need to have faith in something bigger than us.

And without God’s blessings you can’t have so much patience and humility.

I’m not asking you to become a believer from an atheist. You could believe in a role model/good person also. But you must feel hope.

How to be patient?

I guess I started healing the day I started chanting the Hare Krishna mantra internally in my mind in 2017.

That gave me mental strength to hold on and keep doing what I have to do.

So you do need faith and belief and need to bow down to the divine to have so much patience.

How to wait till that day?

So basically I don’t feel like I’m waiting because I just do what I have with me.

“If I can’t walk, I’ll crawl.”

If I can’t go to classes, I’ll take online classes.

If I can’t go to grocery shopping, I’ll at least learn to cook.

If I can’t do anything, paralyzed by fear. Then I will speak to my mom, and she tells me to have faith.

Conclusion

I know I’m not a psychologist but I hope this blog post added value to your life.

Thanks for reading!

Disclaimer: I(Anirban Saren) am not a licensed medical professional, psychiatrist or a psychologist and I’m not providing any medical advice. I’m writing my own opinions. Please consult a professional psychiatrist, psychologist before following this advice.

“You were finding CA Foundation difficult?” A mental health perspective

The author recounts a challenging experience with a coaching center regarding the CA Foundation exam, highlighting their struggles with bipolar disorder and social anxiety. They emphasize the importance of gratitude for personal strengths and mental health, recognizing that everyone’s journey is different and that worth isn’t solely defined by academic success.

A few months ago I got a phone call from a popular coaching center in India.

The person on the other side asked if I had taken the CA Foundation exam. She also asked other questions that were somehow rude.

So she asked-

  1. “Have you taken the CA Foundation exam?” I had taken admission in their CA Foundation batch for a few months despite finding it difficult to cope with the demands of its preparation. And yes I find it demanding because I had BPAD and Social Anxiety and I am not special. I answered her with a “No.”
  2. “Why not?” was her next question. I answered “I have dropped out of it.”
  3. “Why?” was her yet another question. I answered “I was finding it difficult.”
  4. “You were finding CA Foundation difficult??” I could hear her disgust and confusion through the phone call. I kindly hung up.

The above is what happened a few months ago.

For those who don’t know,CA exams or the Chartered Accountancy exams, being one of the most difficult exams in India and the world, are divided into 3 exams, foundation, intermediate and finals. After qualifying in all of them, you become a Chartered Accountant which is one of the highest and most powerful positions in accounting and finance. And most commerce students in India aim for being a CA. It takes on average about 5-7 years to become a CA(might be less due to recent changes).

So I wanted to give this a shot. But my bipolar affective disorder and anxiety shot through the roof and stress came. I was weak in academics and I found CA studies difficult. But mostly because of my inability to study for more than a few hours daily.

Well after writing this what I want to tell you is-

Be grateful for what you have.

Maybe you are struggling with mental health issues. Maybe you can’t do some things because your mind causes problems. Maybe you have Obsessive Compulsive Disorder or Depression or Anxiety or you struggle with severely negative thoughts.

You are not alone.

Some people are lucky to have everything and be normal.

Some people are lucky to have a healthy mind, a healthy body, a great family, and a great partner.

And then in my case, some people are lucky to be able to focus, study long hours, go to coaching classes, attend classes online, ask doubts without feeling sick in the stomach, etc.

Some people forget to be grateful  about these things.

Even I take my family, my life, my friends, my intellect, my writing skills, my creativity, my technical savviness,etc. for granted sometimes.

So be grateful for what you have even if it looks less in quantity than other peoples’ shares.

Trust me when I say, “God has better plans for you than you can even imagine, plans that you don’t yet see.”

So when the person on the call asked me “You were finding CA Foundation difficult?”, I didn’t want to say anything because she won’t understand.

Unless one goes through the same painful circumstances, one won’t understand you.

I don’t blame anyone. I am a good and worthwhile person and I know my worth.

Maybe I am not the best at something. Maybe I am not super hardworking.

Maybe I can’t study for 7 hours daily for CA Foundation. Maybe I can’t deal with the stress that others find quite manageable. Maybe I can’t score 90% marks in most exams.

But I have a good heart. I am scoring 70-75%. I am studying for 2 hours daily.

And personally I am fighting every day. I am fighting nature, I am fighting my BPAD and social anxiety. I am slowly moving forward.

I am not answerable to anyone about why I am not scoring 90%. Or why I am not a “successful” person.

Thank you for reading!

What I Learnt From Psychosis

In 2017, I faced a challenging journey through psychosis, filled with confusion and intense experiences. However, this struggle taught me valuable lessons in humility, the importance of grounding oneself in science, and trusting mental health professionals. Ultimately, I emerged grateful for the growth and self-belief I gained from this experience.

When I was 17, I had a psychotic episode. Or more precisely one major psychotic episode and many mania episodes spread around the months of the year 2017.

So 2017 wasn’t really a happy year for me.

So before I jump into what lessons I learnt, I want to give you a brief explanation of my experience.

Brief History of My Psychosis

Here are the things I experienced-

  1. I suspected that everyone wanted to kill me.
  2. I thought I was God (literally).
  3. I thought I was in an alternate reality where I could do anything I wanted and no one would hold me accountable.
  4. I thought I would write in a journal and if I scribbled over it, it would become real.
  5. I thought I was channeling some spirits by writing in a journal.
  6. I even thought I was doing automatic writing (actually).
  7. I would notice something and associate it with synchronicities. (For example, if I thought a negative thought and the dog outside barked at that moment, I thought it was God telling me to stop thinking that thought).
  8. Things would happen to rescue me from difficult situations and I noticed them instantly like someone playing a soothing music that would make me feel calm.
  9. When I closed my eyes, I would think I have no thoughts. I would be afraid to close my eyes because it was just too empty inside my mind(thoughtless).
  10. I also couldn’t sleep at night (insomnia).

The Actual Learnings

Here are the things I learnt from my psychotic experience-

  1. Humility
    I learnt that what the scriptures say that “Aham Brahmasmi” (You are that), it’s not literally true in the gross sense of the word “ego” or “I”.

    When we say I am God, we don’t mean that the person that you are is God. We mean… well I don’t know. But we shouldn’t take it literally.

    If you don’t know the truth, you need to stay humble and admit that you don’t know everything.
  2. Belief In Science
    I learnt to ground myself in science. I know spiritual beliefs sound cool. But they are not practical.

    Automatic writing may be real, but there may not be spirits or souls to channel or do automatic writing with.

    There’s always a scientific explanation.
  3. Coincidences are real
    There are coincidences and those may be planned by God. But there may not be any synchronicities.

    It means if something happens and if you superstitiously believe something else like someone’s photo frame falling from the wall and breaking doesn’t mean that their life is in danger.
  4. Trust Psychiatry and Psychology
    These two fields: psychiatry and psychology, are a Godsend for people like me.

    They help you heal from the inside.

    And if only you take the medications regularly and go to therapy regularly, then you can improve your mental health.
  5. Belief in Myself
    I learnt self-belief without thinking that I am omnipotent.

    Swami Vivekananda said that he who doesn’t believe in God is not an atheist, he who doesn’t believe in himself is an atheist.

    I believe in myself. I believe in Anirban(me).

Conclusion

These are the things I learnt from my psychotic experience in 2017.

If my psychosis hadn’t happened I would still be more superstitious than I am today. I am grateful for my psychosis.

I am way more scientific minded now because of my negative experiences with psychosis.

Thank you for reading this blog post. If you like this blog post, please like, comment and share with your friends and family members.

My Realizations on Satisfaction part 1

The post discusses the struggle between desiring success and the need for satisfaction, particularly for individuals dealing with mental health issues. It highlights how trauma can hinder achievement, affecting self-esteem and confidence. The author encourages mental health fighters to forgive themselves for not meeting their success expectations, emphasizing understanding and compassion.

Everybody knows that they should be satisfied with what they have.

And yet they (including me) seek more success and more achievements.

And the funny thing is they can’t suppress their desire for success by telling themselves to be satisfied. No one can.

If you want success and you are not satisfied, don’t force yourself to be satisfied.

But sometimes, especially in the case of mental health fighters, one cannot fulfill all of their desires of success because of their traumatic mental illness related experiences and the time it takes to heal through medicines and counseling.

It’s like a handicap situation.

The hardships that people with mental illnesses go through leave them in a situation from where it’s difficult to achieve success with the same energy and force as before the mental illness.

Their self-esteem is damaged. Their self-confidence is damaged. Plus there are the symptoms of their specific mental illnesses.

And it takes a lot to have just a little success let alone more success.

So mental health fighters need to forgive themselves if they can’t do certain things or if they can’t perform at the level that’s required for achieving their expectations of success.

That’s what I wanted to write in this blog post.

Thank you for reading this blog post. And please comment if you struggled with mental illness and how you feel about success and satisfaction?