My Personal Mental Health Journey

It started with me thinking like everyone was looking at me and thinking bad things about me.

I was 15 in 2015 and extremely self-conscious. I did not know what was happening. So I went to the one plan where you can get all answers free of cost- Google.

After researching google for a few hours that afternoon I read the text “Social Anxiety Disorder”. And when my mother arrive home from work, I told her about it.

She knew what it was because she had it when she was young.

But all I could think was it is the worst thing that can happen to a human being. I won’t even wish it on my worst enemy because I knew even at that time that social anxiety is worse than death.

Eventually I begged to my parents to take me to the doctor because in India mental health is still a stigma. And most people think that mental illness happens to only those patients who are in the mental asylum.

I went to the National Institute of Behaviour Sciences in Kolkata and they made me see the psychologist. But I refused to see the psychiatrist and decided to not medication.

Long story short, the psychologist and I had a disagreement. His techniques did not work or at least it did in his textbooks and he probably said to me, I don’t remember the exact words, I had to do those techniques in order to get better. Then I started seeing other psychologists.

Then my parents took me to the Apollo hospital in Kolkata. This time also I refused to take medication. But he recommended a psychologist near our home in Howrah.

The new psychologist explained to me why I had social anxiety. She told me it was because of my parents marital conflict. But her solutions were like the previous psychologist-same textbook solutions that never works for me.

The solutions like Cognitive Behavioural Therapy don’t work for me. I am depressed and I don’t need more depressing stuff like CBT.

So the same conversation happened that her solutions were not working. And I started seeing other psychologist. Or at least I wanted to but I felt so hopeless that I did not see other psychologist and turned to religion.

I real the Bible, the Bhagavad Gita and meditated diligently for 20mins everyday and in between I missed school and played Fallout 4 and other shooting games all day and I failed in class 11.

Then I joined an new school that I hated and I started to feel frustrated with myself. I stopped going to school for a few months and my plan became to meditate and dissolve my “ego”. I didn’t even know what that meant.

It turned out to be very dangerous for my mental health and I developed insomnia and psychosis. And I had to go to National Institute of Mental Health And Neurosciences and I had to take medication.

At this point of time my parents were very supportive. My sister was also very supportive. Most of my relatives were also supportive despite not understanding what mental health issues was.

At NIMHANS I met many new people and made some friends. And although it gave me a new insight into my problems through the regular therapy and careful medicine prescription at NIMHANS, I did not find the solution there.

When I came back to Kolkata, I was more depressed than ever. The psychosis and mania and insomnia occurred again. So we went to the SSKM hospital in Kolkata.

I still haven’t found the solution. What I mean by solution is mental peace.

Meditation does not have it. Psychologist does have it. I am also doing reiki healing. I think reiki works but I think what I am looking for outside me is already in me. But I don’t know how to use it.

Life is not perfect. It is an ongoing struggle. But there is hope.

I am 22 and I still have to go to therapy, get reiki healing, take medication,etc.

Do I have to feel handicapped?

No I don’t. I know that I am equally capable as everybody else. In fact I as a person can do more than others. In an internship training test I was the best of 400candidates my age not few days ago. I don’t blame mental health issues for anything. It is a part of me. If I can accept my good side I need to accept my bad side. There is no place for blaming in my life.

Do I feel like I could be more successful without my mental health issues?

No I would be less successful if I did not have the mental health issues.

Do I love myself?

I love myself and something I feel angry at myself but it’s all a learning process.

So I think you get the picture. It’s not a success story yet. It’s more like a mundane story.

Stay tuned for every Mondays when I surely upload blog posts. And have a great day dear amazing readers!

I am waiting

Before writing anything I would like to tell you that none of my words are researched or scientifically validated. These are my own personal experiences and opinion. I don’t take responsibility for any problems faced from you following my advice.

So let’s start. The reason for this blog post is to make you think differently about waiting for life to happen.

I am waiting. I am waiting for something that will come to rescue me from my mind’s prison. It’s not even a person I am waiting for. I am waiting for the right book, the right video on YouTube, the right series of events, the right timing,etc.

When I read the above lines, I feel despair. I feel like this is not the right way to live life but I am too depressed to take action. And so I feel like I can’t do anything about it and I feel like my life is hopeless.

Medication,therapy and reiki works but only to the extent that I am willing to cooperate. By cooperate I mean take the medication, go to therapy and do the homework and actually do the little things that the reiki master tell you to do in addition to healing.

But when you are depressed to the extent that you can’t make yourself do anything consistently by yourself and you have professional help but nothing seems to work, it becomes really difficult to see results.

So what is the solution?

Let me tell you a story of one of my friends who was suicidally depressed. She probably felt very hopeless and could not even express her emotions. And her recovery was very difficult but it happened and it was almost as if a miracle had happened and you had to thank God for this miracle.

Having faith in something greater than yourself is key. It seems there is no one solution to mental illness. But you can stay strong. You can have faith.

You don’t have to pray or read the scriptures. Just have faith.

This blog post has not been easy for me to write. It is emotionally challenging. I hope you will come back every Monday to read my new blog post. Stay tuned till then!

I love people

But only when I am totally selfless. And since I am not a saint, who is selfless all the time, I sometimes don’t love people.

The reason for today’s blog post is to give you my point of view on better relationships with your loved ones and people in general.

When I was 16 years old all I wanted was pleasure. When a video of a successful entrepreneur popped up and it said I could be a millionaire, I wanted to know how.

It turned out his vehicle was to learn sales skills and work hard. But his approach was very inspiring to me. So I read all his books and watched all his courses.

I learnt a great deal about sales but this is what got me to understand the importance of people and relationships with people.

I learnt how important it is to have friends who you could count on in business and in life.

I understand that at this point it seems silly of me to find such a basic thing after spending thousands of dollars on courses and books.

As Dale Carnegie wrote in “How to win friends and influence people” – don’t criticise, praise heartily,etc. These things are true in life.

But I also realise that it is very difficult to practice in real life.

Please let me tell you a story. I did not spend much time with my father during childhood because he was away for work. Being brought up by my mother I never had a father figure at home on a regular basis.

I learnt to be a boy from my friends but I learnt to be a man from TV,movies,pop culture,etc. And I hope you know TV is not a good source of information of how to be a good man.

So I got an unrealistic standard for a good man in my head. I started resenting my father who stayed with us from when I was 7. He was not the perfect human being and so I resented him.

This resentment may not be in your life but what I want to convey to you is our selfishness and neurotic lens through which we see life can make the job of having good relationships in life very hard.

Whether it is a business relationship or a private one, we tend to project our mental garbage on other people who reminds us of the aspects of us that we don’t love about ourselves.

This leads to us unconsciously sabotaging our relationships with people. Do you remember the last time you met someone whom you “just can’t stand”? That’s what I am talking about.

So what is the solution? I found out that journaling helps a lot for me. Feeling the emotion rather than suppressing it is the key. Understanding why you feel certain emotions like anxiety or anger or rage helps you understand the cause of your life’s recurring patterns.

And then slowly redesigning your life by changing your values to a more honest life.

All these things I learned from many books and videos but a few big ones are “The Subtle Art Of Not Giving A F*ck”, reading my journal entries, Actualized.org,etc.

So what are my results?

I feel angry instead of suppressing it. I feel my emotions and know exactly why I feel them and I am starting to forgive my father.

I am learning to see past all the flaws of the other person and actually see the other person clearly.

I guess this is somehow selfless and can be used to love people.

The steps-

1. Understanding and uncovering why you feel that way(journaling)

2. Dealing with it through forgiveness or change

In the next blog post you will get a new point of view. This is not about me, this is about using my past experiences to create a meaningful future for you and me.

So I hope you will stick with me for the next blog post and read it next week on Monday.