bipolar disorder Archives - Hope With Anirban

I could let go of my anger

What could you let go of, for the sake of harmony?

If I could let go of something and if it brings harmony, I would let go of my anger.

I used to think anger was necessary to get justice.

But now I think differently.

I’ve been in NIMHANS for over 2.5 months and my perspective has changed.

What anger does is make us think emotionally and not logically.

And when I get angry, the first thing I try to do is box breathing and the 5-4-3-2-1 method.

It helps to do some kapalbhati and bhastrika yoga pranayamas.

I think I have grown a lot in these few months.

So yeah if I had to let it go, I would let go of my anger.

And then think calmly.

Anger is the enemy and we need to let it go.

Thanks for reading this line. It means a lot.

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An apology and a brief mental health update

I posted a blog post about my dissatisfaction with my life a few hours ago.

I write in that post that I wanted to cry but can’t.

I also wrote that “nobody understands me”.

All of my feelings are valid and it’s ok to cry.

But I felt the post was a little negative and didn’t add value to the readers. So I have taken it down the to drafts version.

So I am apologizing for my mistake.

Right now I am in the state I travelled to recently.

And my anxiety is going through the roof.

I need to stay busy and go out and have patience.

I’m glad you read this line. Thanks a lot!

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Fear is meant to be overcome

I overcame my fear of going out.

I travelled to another state within India today.

Although my mother was with me, I kind of guided her throughout the journey.

I felt very anxious and I was chanting the Hare Krishna Maha Mantra throughout the journey.

That helped me a lot.

I guided my mother by telling her to cross check any directions she got from strangers. And we saved ourselves from getting lost.

Google maps saved us. My strong English speaking skills also saved us.

I realised that I am more capable than how little capable I thought I was.

We met a few extremely kind and helpful people who helped us reach our destination.

My sister’s advice and phone calls also helped me a lot. She is really a positive force of nature.

I’m glad you read this line. Thanks a lot!

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I wish I could study and work more every day

What do you wish you could do more every day?

Study and Work

I wish I could study and work more every day.

I study and work on projects sometimes related to my MBA Data Science degree.

But I get tired and get mood swings.

I bet everyone gets these mood swings when sitting down to study.

But they study regardless of their mood.

I need to work on my “study regardless of their mood” aspect.

Relation to mental health

My bipolar disorder is also responsible for my difficulties in studying long hours.

It’s not like I don’t want to study and work. It’s just that I can’t.

Writing helps me tremendously to cope with the frustration of being unable to study.

But I guess I need to draw a line between what I can do and what I expect myself to achieve.

Satisfaction

What I can do is – study for 2 hours.
What I expect myself to achieve is – study 4-5 hours.
What I can do is – go out with family, friends, relatives, etc. and sometimes alone to the barber’s saloon.
What I expect myself to achieve is –
- to travel from my town to the city by bus, or
- take a public transportation facility,
- to talk to strangers,
- to make friends,
- to go to regular/offline university, etc.
What I can do is – be satisfied and work hard for uplifting genuine values like honesty, integrity, generosity, etc.
What I expect myself to achieve is – to achieve external success that has no meaning expect earning more money.

What I can do and what I expect myself to do are two different things. They are not the same things.

Conclusion

Sure I can aim to study more but I need to be satisfied with what I have.

I can try to study and work for 3 hours next time. Or may 2.5 hours.

Because my circumstances are different.

Wanting more isn’t always necessary because we don’t need to compare ourselves with others.

I need to take it slow.

I’m glad you’re reading this line. Thanks a lot!

So, in 2015, therapy felt pointless for this person until they met Dr. Prasanta Kumar Roy in 2017, who really understood them and helped them heal from BPAD. They emphasize faith and patience in overcoming suffering, suggesting that finding hope and keeping busy is key to coping with tough times.

When I was going to therapy in 2015, I was just told to do Cognitive Behavioral Therapy(CBT) homework.

The problem wasn’t that I won’t do it. The problem was I didn’t feel like doing it.

I didn’t have a problem with CBT but I had a problem with them not fixing my emotional states.

My Favorite Psychologist

It’s only in 2017 when I found a great psychologist who doesn’t even charge any fees if one goes through the public healthcare system of standing in the queue for 2 hours.

It was then that I truly got healed from my BPAD.

He is Dr. Prasanta Kumar Roy and he sits in Kolkata’s SSKM hospital.

He made me feel for the first time that a psychologist understood me.

But that was before 4-5 years of changing many psychologists. And years of suffering inflicted by my own mind.

Questions & Answers

Why do we suffer so much? How to be patient so that the suffering ends one day? How to wait till that day?

I think we suffer because we don’t have faith.

Plain and simple. We need to have faith in something bigger than us.

And without God’s blessings you can’t have so much patience and humility.

I’m not asking you to become a believer from an atheist. You could believe in a role model/good person also. But you must feel hope.

How to be patient?

I guess I started healing the day I started chanting the Hare Krishna mantra internally in my mind in 2017.

That gave me mental strength to hold on and keep doing what I have to do.

So you do need faith and belief and need to bow down to the divine to have so much patience.

How to wait till that day?

So basically I don’t feel like I’m waiting because I just do what I have with me.

“If I can’t walk, I’ll crawl.”

If I can’t go to classes, I’ll take online classes.

If I can’t go to grocery shopping, I’ll at least learn to cook.

If I can’t do anything, paralyzed by fear. Then I will speak to my mom, and she tells me to have faith.

Conclusion

I know I’m not a psychologist but I hope this blog post added value to your life.

Thanks for reading!

Disclaimer: I(Anirban Saren) am not a licensed medical professional, psychiatrist or a psychologist and I’m not providing any medical advice. I’m writing my own opinions. Please consult a professional psychiatrist, psychologist before following this advice.

“You were finding CA Foundation difficult?” A mental health perspective

The author recounts a challenging experience with a coaching center regarding the CA Foundation exam, highlighting their struggles with bipolar disorder and social anxiety. They emphasize the importance of gratitude for personal strengths and mental health, recognizing that everyone’s journey is different and that worth isn’t solely defined by academic success.

A few months ago I got a phone call from a popular coaching center in India.

The person on the other side asked if I had taken the CA Foundation exam. She also asked other questions that were somehow rude.

So she asked-

“Have you taken the CA Foundation exam?” I had taken admission in their CA Foundation batch for a few months despite finding it difficult to cope with the demands of its preparation. And yes I find it demanding because I had BPAD and Social Anxiety and I am not special. I answered her with a “No.”
“Why not?” was her next question. I answered “I have dropped out of it.”
“Why?” was her yet another question. I answered “I was finding it difficult.”
“You were finding CA Foundation difficult??” I could hear her disgust and confusion through the phone call. I kindly hung up.

The above is what happened a few months ago.

For those who don’t know,CA exams or the Chartered Accountancy exams, being one of the most difficult exams in India and the world, are divided into 3 exams, foundation, intermediate and finals. After qualifying in all of them, you become a Chartered Accountant which is one of the highest and most powerful positions in accounting and finance. And most commerce students in India aim for being a CA. It takes on average about 5-7 years to become a CA(might be less due to recent changes).

So I wanted to give this a shot. But my bipolar affective disorder and anxiety shot through the roof and stress came. I was weak in academics and I found CA studies difficult. But mostly because of my inability to study for more than a few hours daily.

Well after writing this what I want to tell you is-

Be grateful for what you have.

Maybe you are struggling with mental health issues. Maybe you can’t do some things because your mind causes problems. Maybe you have Obsessive Compulsive Disorder or Depression or Anxiety or you struggle with severely negative thoughts.

You are not alone.

Some people are lucky to have everything and be normal.

Some people are lucky to have a healthy mind, a healthy body, a great family, and a great partner.

And then in my case, some people are lucky to be able to focus, study long hours, go to coaching classes, attend classes online, ask doubts without feeling sick in the stomach, etc.

Some people forget to be grateful about these things.

Even I take my family, my life, my friends, my intellect, my writing skills, my creativity, my technical savviness,etc. for granted sometimes.

So be grateful for what you have even if it looks less in quantity than other peoples’ shares.

Trust me when I say, “God has better plans for you than you can even imagine, plans that you don’t yet see.”

So when the person on the call asked me “You were finding CA Foundation difficult?”, I didn’t want to say anything because she won’t understand.

Unless one goes through the same painful circumstances, one won’t understand you.

I don’t blame anyone. I am a good and worthwhile person and I know my worth.

Maybe I am not the best at something. Maybe I am not super hardworking.

Maybe I can’t study for 7 hours daily for CA Foundation. Maybe I can’t deal with the stress that others find quite manageable. Maybe I can’t score 90% marks in most exams.

But I have a good heart. I am scoring 70-75%. I am studying for 2 hours daily.

And personally I am fighting every day. I am fighting nature, I am fighting my BPAD and social anxiety. I am slowly moving forward.

I am not answerable to anyone about why I am not scoring 90%. Or why I am not a “successful” person.

Thank you for reading!

Guide to an online degree for mental health fighters (India)

Anirban, despite battling bipolar affective disorder and social anxiety, has achieved a Bachelor of Business Administration from Amity University Online. He overcame immense self-doubt and setbacks in his academic journey. Anirban advocates for the value of online degrees, emphasizing their legitimacy and the opportunities they provide for stable employment.

Hi I’m Anirban, a person who struggles with bipolar affective disorder(BPAD) and social anxiety. And I have graduated with a bachelors in business administration in spite of my mental health struggles.

Before Online Degree/ Mental Health Struggles

For giving you some context, I was diagnosed with BPAD when I was 17 years old. And I take medication and am a lot better because of my medication and psychotherapy.

At 17, I was in class 12, and I had no confidence in myself, I couldn’t get out of bed and even take a bath or eat alone. I was depressed, manic, and had no self-confidence.

But with God’s blessings I somehow appeared for class 12 board exams and I passed. This was after I was diagnosed.

Then I got into an engineering college where I found it too difficult to understand the subjects. So I quit engineering college.

Then I started pursuing a Bachelor of Arts with Philosophy honors from a local college because I love philosophy.

But due to some technical problems, I was denied Philosophy and had to get into English honors in the same college.

But I couldn’t cope with the new environment and due to my social anxiety, I quit Bachelor of Arts with English honors.

Then I started my own business which was an ecommerce t-shirt print-on-demand business. That’s a story for another day. But I failed in that too.

Online College

But that’s not the end of my career.

I decided to study in an online college (Amity University Online). And I took admission in Bachelor of Business Administration because I had to get a degree. The job market is so competitive in India that you must have a degree to get a decent job.

And I studied, and I passed with 7.0 CGPA after 3 years in 2023.

Hurray!!!

I faced a lot of self-doubt, but I overcame them with the help of my parents and siblings.

Why an Online Degree?

So you may wonder,” Why get an online degree? Maybe it’s not as valuable as a regular degree.” or “How can I get an online degree? I haven’t finished high school.” or “I don’t need a degree because I will start a business.”

Well the last reason is a little naive because a business can fail but once you have a degree you can at least get a standard job anytime you want. And you can’t get a degree anytime you want. But you can start a business anytime you want.

And as for the first doubt,” Why get an online degree? Maybe it’s not as valuable as a regular degree.”, according to the University Grants Commission(UGC) in India, an online degree is equivalent with a regular degree.

Here’s the official notification from UGC’s website.

And as for the second doubt “How can I get an online degree? I haven’t finished high school.”, you can pass school through the National Institute of Open Schools(NIOS).

I have no experience with NIOS. But you can check out other people’s YouTube videos to research the information.

How to get a degree from an online college?

I will only speak about a private online college because I have graduated with a Bachelor of Business Administration(BBA) degree from Amity University Online where I have first-hand experience.

First speak to the admission counselor.
Fill the online admission form.
Then pay the first semester fees. Or you can avail an EMI plan.
Then wait for the login credentials for the university online portal which you will receive in your email inbox in a few days.
(optional) Attend the orientation program occurring for online students of that university.
Study and take the exams at semester end.(The exams are online proctored, meaning you will need a webcam on your laptop or PC and there will be a professor or admission invigilator who will watch you while you write the exam by typing.
(Optional)Attendance in online classes is not mandatory.
(Optional) Attend the convocation program and get your degree. Or you can get it via courier.
The medium of education is mostly English. And you need to be comfortable typing your answers on a computer.
Physical books are sent to your address every semester.
You can send them any query you have via email or the portal or even talk to them through phone call.
There may be a research project in your degree’s last semester depending on which degree you choose. You need to manage it somehow.

Conclusion

If you have any doubts, you can contact me via the contact form or send me a DM on Instagram(@anirbansaren657) or LinkedIn(https://www.linkedin.com/in/anirbansaren/).

I hope you found something useful from this blog post. I hope you get your future college degree and get a good job in spite of having mental health issues.

What’s independence like?

Independence is lonely. This is what I learned from my experience with bipolar disorder.

When I feel like my family members are not giving me enough attention, I get upset. And it’s not like they don’t like me anymore.

There could be any number of reasons why they don’t give me enough attention, but I feel like it’s because they don’t like me.

It’s not like that, but I feel it’s like that.

One day I realized that I was getting upset because of this, and I was thinking about how helpless I was.

Then it struck me that I have control over my thoughts and that I am giving my family members too much power over my happiness by thinking that they complete me.

I realized that I was dependent on my family members for my love and happiness needs.

One fine evening when I had been thinking I was helpless, I decided to not be dependent on my family members or anyone for love and happiness except God.

I said to myself,”I will not be dependent on my mother or father or sister. I will be dependent only on God.”

And I felt powerful. I felt empowered.

I started doing my share of household chores, like washing my own clothes, etc. Slowly, I will start contributing to my family’s well-being even more.

This power gives me independence and freedom.

But this newfound independence also brings loneliness sometimes. Because blaming and doing self-pity is easy. Blaming others and staying dependent on others is easy. But being independent and taking responsibility is hard.

Thank you for reading this post.

What is independence like for you?

My Story of Fighting Suicidal Ideations

My goal in this blog post is to make you believe that there is hope out of suicidal ideations, depression or any other mental illnesses in your life.

I remember it started 2 years ago. Before that, I had been suffering from bipolar disorder since 2015 and I had serious social anxiety.

In 2018 I somehow passed class 12 with below-average marks and I dropped from 2 colleges in the span of 2 years. And in 2021 I was studying at an online college.

Between 2017 to 2018 I had 3 psychotic episodes and although I didn’t share this in my previous blog post, in 2017, I attempted suicide and I had to go to Bangalore for treatment. I also started taking prescription medication for bipolar disorder since then.

All this kind of made me doubt myself and I felt lost and confused. I remember I would say to my mom about my confusion and my suicidal ideations.

Although I didn’t take action on those thoughts, I remember days when I would play sad songs and stay up till 3 am.

I remember in those moments the only hope for me was my mom. She gave me strength and hope. She made me who I am.

I remember I started doing certain things-

I started believing in the existence of hope(goodness, truth, real beauty, God)
I took psychotherapy more seriously and took regular medications
I started with small habits
I started to read books on mental health

I also went to an astrologer, which I have faith that it helped. I also did reiki healing on myself earlier which also helped me.

What kept me going? What is hope to me?

Hope kept me going.

Hope is when I feel anxious to do something and I am unable to overcome the fear but something happens- a change of mind, a possibility in my mind opens because of someone or something inside or outside me and I am able to overcome the anxiety.

Hope is goodness, truth, real beauty, inspiration, a forgotten dream resurfacing, God, etc.

It isn’t something we can control, but we can surrender to it and let it wash over us.

And what I want to convey to you through this blog post is that hope exists.

Live life for yourself, your dreams, your ambitions, your future contributions to others, helping others etc.

I was listening to a podcast called “hope is real” by Jazz Thornton with Kevin Hines. Kevin Hines is someone who survived a suicide attempt by jumping from the Golden Gate Bridge. And he told his story of how a sea lion kept him floating on the water’s surface when he jumped.

What I learnt from the episode was “Asking for help makes you wise” not a failure. Maybe the words are slightly different but it’s what I remember is said by Jazz Thornton.

Ask for help, see a therapist, take medication, do what you are passionate about, etc. Don’t give up.

Every day I am fighting and I still get these ideations sometimes but I can handle them with the help of my therapist and doctors.

Believe that there’s hope for you. You matter. Your existence matters.

You can overcome suicidal ideations.

Thank you for reading this crucial blog post. If you liked it then please share it on Facebook, Instagram and Twitter and other social media platforms. Also, comment on what you think of this blog post.

Disclaimer- I am not a psychologist or a doctor. This blog post is purely from my personal experience. I don’t provide medical advice. If you have mental health issues then please seek the help of a medical professional.

Music Could be Good For Your Mental Health

In this post, I will write about how music has helped me in my mental health journey.

So I was diagnosed in 2015 and I have been going through treatment for depression, bipolar disorder and social anxiety.

Music has helped me immensely.

Apart from listening to music, I found huge benefits from practising music. I got admitted to a singing class and I love it. I love the practice, the sound, the Sargam, etc.

Although it’s not my main career, I love it as a hobby.

So I have always loved music but the problem was with the consistency of practice. I was not practising regularly.

3 years ago I started harmonium classes and continued them for a few months. Then I joined singing classes online earlier this year and continued for 2 weeks.

I was not prioritizing it and not practising daily. But with that fixed, I feel much more confident.

I feel more peaceful and in a flow state when practising music.

So basically I am practising with vocals and keyboard and I am trying to learn the fundamentals first.

I can’t sing well though and I am trying to improve. It will take time and though I am impatient, I will learn patience along with the mastery of music.

The main things that I want to highlight are “flow” and “peace”.

Flow is when we become so focused and feel bliss in a task that we forget the passage of time. And peace is when we feel peaceful.

Everybody’s mental health can improve with bliss and peace in my opinion.

It’s a different matter that learning music may not be everybody’s preference. But it’s a good path to choose if that’s one’s priority.

For me practising music has helped me feel more peaceful and in the flow and is good for my mental health.

Thank you for reading this blog post. Please comment on which song makes you feel peaceful?