Tag: job

I finally accepted I am not a failure

The author writes about how his preconception that he was a failure because he failed in school was wrong. It wasn’t his failure to begin with, it was society’s failure.

When I was in class 11 I had failed one year and I was detained in the same class.

And I had been carrying the burden on my shoulders that I was a failure.

I had never introspected if it was indeed true that I had failed.

Last night I was journaling and I realized that it was not my failure.

But it was someone else’s failure.

It was society’s failure.

I was trying my best to survive but it was society who had failed me.

I was trying out a socratic method of introspection with the guidance of Claude AI.

And it turned out that I was studying physics, chemistry, computer science and maths because my parents told me to.

Not because I wanted to.

I felt as if I was learning something I found strange. 

I felt stupid and as if it was a waste of my time.

I felt sad and stressed. I felt tired of all the traveling to school, coaching classes, and tutors. 

And yet I didn’t understand those subjects.

I felt, “If the world is so difficult, I don’t want to live in a difficult world.”

I couldn’t sit down to study.

I played videogames 16 hours a day from morning till midnight. 

I slept less, ate irregularly and didn’t study.

I avoided everything.

And I was also reading so many self-help books to help me figure out what was wrong with me.

My psychologists said that nothing was wrong with me. But I believed something was wrong with me.

I wasn’t having fun while avoiding life, I was trying my best to cope with the sadness and pain and the stress.

And then when I failed I finally felt free. 

But this feeling of freedom and relief was short-lived.

I was again back to repeating the year in another school where I took admission.

And somehow I passed high school with the same subjects.

And for a few months I studied engineering at a private university but I dropped out. 

And again I got the feeling of relief and freedom.

This time I took a Bachelor of Arts (honours) in philosophy course in college.

But due to some technical problems I had to change my subject to English and I had to drop out.

Then I took a bachelor of business administration course from my last online college. 

And I studied it and graduated and took MBA and graduated that too.

But all this while I kept thinking that “I am a failure”.

And boy I couldn’t be so wrong.

I thought that since class 11 was something I experienced and I failed it, I am the failure.

But the truth is it was my parents’ and society’s expectations that made me take physics, chemistry, computer science, maths as subjects. 

And if I “failed” that and felt relief, it wasn’t my failure really, it was their failure.

I was never a failure.

I gave my best and I did my best to cope with the stress and sadness.

I read self-help books to find the solution.

But I couldn’t find any.

So it was never my failure.

I was living in someone else’s design of a life.

It wasn’t mine to begin with.

And I also realized that even right now I am living in someone else’s design of my life.

I am living in fear of not getting a job, fear of never making it, fear of not having a comparable income to others.

I am trying to get a data analytics job but all I want to do is write and read and experience the world and share it with you.

I guess I need to work on this aspect now before it’s too late.

But yeah I was never a failure, it wasn’t my failure.

I am not a failure.

Thanks for reading this line! It means a lot.

Uncertainty for a job

The author is writing about his dilemma of whether he should looking for a job or do something else all the while not looking for a job.

I am looking for a job.

And I feel like I’m fighting myself more than I’m struggling to get a job interview.

So I apply for the job and sometimes I don’t receive the call from the Human Resources executive. 

Then if I end up appearing for the group discussion, I skip the interview. 

And I am back to being jobless.

And if you’re confused as to what I’m blabbering about, I mean to convey to you that I’m scared of the interview.

I’ll work on overcoming this fear, but I’m not nearly as scared of the interview as I am of my sense of uncertainty.

Uncertainty as to if I should even work for someone else rather than starting a business or make writing my business. 

Uncertainty as to if I should get a private job or a government job.

Uncertainty as to if I should work in people facing roles or the back office.

This is what’s been happening in my life lately.

I was avoiding writing because I was giving myself excuses like “It’s only a hobby”.

I still don’t know what to do. 

And I’m sure many people in my country, India and the world think similarly about their careers.

And yes the uncertainty is strong. And I feel very uneasy. 

A lot of things have been postponed because I’m waiting for a way to make a decision.

A decision as to what I should do.

If you ask me, why aren’t you able to get a job, I’d say “I am confused if I should do a job or a business.”

So I’m kind of stuck in my mind being unable to decide. 

And it’s not like I’m appearing for lots of interviews and am getting rejected.

I’m not even applying. 

So yeah, I hope I get out of this mess.

Thanks for reading this line. It means a lot!