I finally accepted I am not a failure

The author writes about how his preconception that he was a failure because he failed in school was wrong. It wasn’t his failure to begin with, it was society’s failure.

When I was in class 11 I had failed one year and I was detained in the same class.

And I had been carrying the burden on my shoulders that I was a failure.

I had never introspected if it was indeed true that I had failed.

Last night I was journaling and I realized that it was not my failure.

But it was someone else’s failure.

It was society’s failure.

I was trying my best to survive but it was society who had failed me.

I was trying out a socratic method of introspection with the guidance of Claude AI.

And it turned out that I was studying physics, chemistry, computer science and maths because my parents told me to.

Not because I wanted to.

I felt as if I was learning something I found strange. 

I felt stupid and as if it was a waste of my time.

I felt sad and stressed. I felt tired of all the traveling to school, coaching classes, and tutors. 

And yet I didn’t understand those subjects.

I felt, “If the world is so difficult, I don’t want to live in a difficult world.”

I couldn’t sit down to study.

I played videogames 16 hours a day from morning till midnight. 

I slept less, ate irregularly and didn’t study.

I avoided everything.

And I was also reading so many self-help books to help me figure out what was wrong with me.

My psychologists said that nothing was wrong with me. But I believed something was wrong with me.

I wasn’t having fun while avoiding life, I was trying my best to cope with the sadness and pain and the stress.

And then when I failed I finally felt free. 

But this feeling of freedom and relief was short-lived.

I was again back to repeating the year in another school where I took admission.

And somehow I passed high school with the same subjects.

And for a few months I studied engineering at a private university but I dropped out. 

And again I got the feeling of relief and freedom.

This time I took a Bachelor of Arts (honours) in philosophy course in college.

But due to some technical problems I had to change my subject to English and I had to drop out.

Then I took a bachelor of business administration course from my last online college. 

And I studied it and graduated and took MBA and graduated that too.

But all this while I kept thinking that “I am a failure”.

And boy I couldn’t be so wrong.

I thought that since class 11 was something I experienced and I failed it, I am the failure.

But the truth is it was my parents’ and society’s expectations that made me take physics, chemistry, computer science, maths as subjects. 

And if I “failed” that and felt relief, it wasn’t my failure really, it was their failure.

I was never a failure.

I gave my best and I did my best to cope with the stress and sadness.

I read self-help books to find the solution.

But I couldn’t find any.

So it was never my failure.

I was living in someone else’s design of a life.

It wasn’t mine to begin with.

And I also realized that even right now I am living in someone else’s design of my life.

I am living in fear of not getting a job, fear of never making it, fear of not having a comparable income to others.

I am trying to get a data analytics job but all I want to do is write and read and experience the world and share it with you.

I guess I need to work on this aspect now before it’s too late.

But yeah I was never a failure, it wasn’t my failure.

I am not a failure.

Thanks for reading this line! It means a lot.

Future Plans For My Blog: AI in Mental Health

The author writes about his future plans to write about AI in Mental Health in this blog.

So recently I’ve been thinking what I should singularly focus on for writing in this blog.

And although I knew that it was mental health, I didn’t know a specific topic that I could focus on.

But today I was doing a little research and I found AI in Mental Health quite interesting.

Since I have an MBA in Data Science and I am preparing for a job in Data Analytics, I think writing about “AI in Mental Health” with a good deal of research is going to be a good contribution to people’s lives.

I will keep sharing my personal mental health stories of course, but I’ll also write about AI in Mental Health.

So yeah, sometimes I wonder how the dots connect backwards as Steve Jobs said in his 2005 Stanford University commence address speech. 

I didn’t even know why I was doing MBA Data Science but after all these years it somehow helped me in the end to connect it back to my blog’s purpose.

So thanks for reading this line. It means a lot!

Say “Yes” to Life

The author writes why saying “Yes” is as important as saying “No” to life.

Daily writing prompt
How often do you say “no” to things that would interfere with your goals?
View all responses

I don’t usually say “No” but I wish I had said it more.

I think I’m not clear about what I want.

Sure I want to buy a house, buy a car, a bike, and have a certain net worth. But I don’t think I’m clear on my purpose in life.

I mean I don’t value money or any kind of scarce resource more than time. 

I value relationships, time, people, etc. more than money.

In fact I say “Yes” more than I say “No”.

I want to meet more people, have more interactions, go out more, read more books, learn more courses, etc. 

I don’t want to work more to earn money. I want to do what’s best for me.

And earning money isn’t the only thing in the world.

It is important but it’s not everything.

I think being a good human being is what’s most important. And to be a good person, we need to interact more, talk to more people, understand ourselves, write more journals, etc.

So yeah I don’t say “No” much but I do say “Yes” to things that might interfere with my goals.

I mean what is life more than a journey towards your goals. 

And if you say “No” to the things that would enrich your life in the journey, there’s no point in living such a life.

So I say “Yes”.

Thanks for reading this line! It means a lot.

If I had to travel across the country, I’d do this…

The author writes about why he’d choose a business class air travel option over others for travelling across the country.

Daily writing prompt
You’re going on a cross-country trip. Airplane, train, bus, car, or bike?
View all responses

If I am going on a trip across the country, I would use my credit card reward points to book a business class airplane ticket at a discount.

At least that’s what I would really do.

I am not a good bike or car driver. And I don’t want to waste my time travelling in a bus or a train.

I value my time and time is money. 

So yeah if I had to travel from Kolkata to Bengaluru, I would never, at least for now, travel in a bus, train, car or bike. I would take the airplane.

Because I really don’t want to waste my time.

And I know there’s the “viewing the scenery while travelling” part which I would miss. 

I’m sure I want to know the culture and I wish I could travel by train, bus, car or bike.

But I would be lying to you if I said I would go on a bike trip because I won’t. I would realistically get a business class airplane ticket.

Thank you for reading this line. It means a lot!

Why I’m Learning Spanish In My Leisure Time

The author writes about his motivations behind learning Spanish in his leisure time.

I’m learning Spanish because I like to learn new things and maybe in the future it’ll be useful in my career as a data analyst and writer.

I’m learning it on the duolingo app and this blog post is not sponsored by them.

Currently I’m at rank 14 of my Spanish learning journey. And I’m gradually moving forward.

But I have to say, it’s an altogether new experience. I kind of love it.

I’m learning about Spanish culture and their ways of thinking through the language.

And it’s fun.

I mean I’m still learning new words in Spanish and I sometimes struggle with the gender related words or the tense. But I’ll get there soon..

Maybe in the future I’ll join a more comprehensive course in Spanish than duolingo. 

I was also asked by people if I’m learning French or German. But I just say I’m moving forward gradually.

I don’t want to put too much pressure on my mental health and I want to take it slow.

I might learn French and German later but right now I’m learning Spanish also because it’s easy to pick up quickly.

Thank you for reading this line! It means a lot.

How Therapy Helped Me Discover My Perfectionism

The author writes about how therapy has helped him discover his perfectionism.

I have been taking therapy sessions since 2014, and they have helped me a lot.

I have learned a lot about myself.

Not only that, but I have learnt many things about myself, but there’s this one thing that I was struggling to deal with. That’s perfectionism.

That was a major reason behind my anxiety problems, at least most of it.

It has cost me a lot of time and money. And when I discovered perfectionism as what I was experiencing, I was both shocked and relieved.

What I realized was that the problem was deep. It was deeply entangled with my beliefs. 

And although it won’t be an overnight recovery, it’ll take time to overcome my mental health issues.

Thank you for reading this line. It means a lot!

How I Turned My Failure Into Success

The author writes about how he failed in high school and still managed to complete his MBA years later in spite of other people’s negative remarks.

When I was in class 11 in high school, I failed and was detained for one year.

I was asked to change schools and study in class 11 again.

It was a failure for me. And I felt very bad about myself at that time.

I felt like I was not enough and that I was somehow flawed and not normal.

I remember a few remarks from my relatives about me failing one year and it stuck with me.

Whenever I wanted to feel good about myself, those remarks about failing one year would haunt me.

“How can I be a successful person knowing that I failed a test in class 11?”

“I am a failure because I failed in my studies.”

All kinds of negative self-talk started in my mind since then.

But fast forward 10 years, I have completed my MBA in Data Science. 

I have completed a post-graduate degree.

And I am proud of myself. 

I have persisted and not given up.

I have worked and I have achieved my version of success no matter the size.

My failure in class 11 set me up for success by making me more ambitious. 

After I failed in class 11 I wanted to show my relatives that I can do much bigger things. 

If they want to make me a black sheep of the family, I’ll show that I can be different in a great way.

That I can be different from them by getting an MBA degree and someday starting my own business.

And I know the importance of forgiveness and that it’s normal for those remarks by relatives. 

I do forgive them for what they said, and I also know that the fire inside me for greater dreams has been lit up and there’s no stopping now.

I am grateful for my failure in class 11 and my relatives’ remarks. Because they were fuel for my successes.

Thank you for reading this line! It means a lot.

The Opening Sentence of My Autobiography

This author explains with a story why “This is the story of a lucky man…” is the most appropriate opening for his autobiography.

If I ever write an autobiography I would begin it with “This is the story of a lucky man…”.

Why?

Because it is the only opening sentence that could make sense.

I could begin with “The secret to success is hard work…” or “Don’t give up ever…”, but I think that “This is the story of a lucky man” is the most appropriate one.

Let me explain why.

When I was in class 11 in school, I couldn’t study. I simply couldn’t sit down and feel like studying.

I’d play video games from morning till midnight daily because I couldn’t study and this was my way to escape my boredom.

I was going to therapy but I kept changing therapists because I wasn’t satisfied with their counselling.

Four years later I started taking a degree course in Bachelor of Business Administration and I scored 70% in the aggregate results.

I was able to study sometimes and I believe it was due to the medication that my psychiatrist had given me.

And that’s how I also completed my Master of Business Administration in Data Science last year.

When I was in class 11 I didn’t know what I didn’t know.

I was lost and I didn’t realize it.

I was lucky to have found good psychiatrists and therapists.

Without them I’d still be helpless.

But it is not psychology, psychiatry or self-help that helped me.

It was luck.

I didn’t know that if I took medicine I’d be able to study.

But the events in my life forced me to take medicines.

I wasn’t voluntarily doing any of it. The universe helped me do it.

It’s as if the universe had chosen me to suffer and to heal my own suffering.

And I learnt a lot of lessons that way.

Actually none of us can take responsibility for our successes because none of us can explain the sheer amount of luck that’s involved in these processes.

So yeah I really think I would begin my autobiography with “This is the story of a lucky man…”.

Thank you for reading this line. It means a lot to me.

If you feel like a failure, read this…

The author writes about himself being a failure all his life and how he found meaning and purpose in spite of that.

I think I’ve been a black sheep of my family. I’ve been failing at everything I attempted to do for the entire 26 years of my life. 

But I think I’ll be successful in my life.

When I was in class 11 at my school, I failed a year. And I was detained and I had to repeat a year.

And I identified myself with a failure. And it can get demoralizing sometimes but it taught me a lesson.

The lesson was “No matter what happens, failure is a stepping stone for success. It’s not the end of the world.”

Even after failing multiple times, if you can keep going for a lofty goal in life, you’ll be successful. 

In fact if you’re working hard to succeed even after failing multiple times, you’re a “successful person” in your own right.

When I was studying for my undergraduate degree, I wanted to start a career in copywriting.

I even bought a course after asking money from my parents.

And I ended up leaving the course half-way because I found it was very difficult for me.

And that was also a failure. 

But it also taught me the same lesson- to keep moving forward.

I know I don’t do well in classroom environments when a teacher teaches me a fixed curriculum.

I like to learn on my own. And I thrive in that way.

And that way I’ve completed my MBA in Data Science(online mode), I’ve completed many small courses.

I’ve started a business in 2020 and failed(which is a win because I learnt many business lessons).

I’ve never stopped believing in myself. And every day is a battle I still continue to fight. 

And as I said if a person continues to work hard in spite of failing multiple times, they’re a “successful person” in their own right. 

Life isn’t the same all the time. It changes. You change. 

And nothing lasts forever. “This too shall pass” as they say.

So success is just around the corner even if it’s too small to notice.

But it’s by being grateful for those small successes that we learn to change our identities from a “failure” to a “success”.

Thank you for reading this line. It means a lot to me.

What are my thoughts on the concept of living a very long life?

I think being satisfied is more important than the age you are at.

I think the question of living a short or long life comes up because when we grow older we become weak and various diseases affect our health.

In short, it’s not pleasurable to live a long old life.

So if I write “Life should be lived now to the fullest rather than waiting for a day in the future when we would have ‘enough’ money for retirement”, I would do injustice to the fact that irrespective of whether you live now or later, the most important thing is to be content and be satisfied with what you already have.

So if you are young and trying to enjoy life now, but you still want more, more of everything, then you’re not living life.

And if you are old and have enough money for your retirement, but you hate every moment of your life and have a lot of regrets because you lost your youth and good health, then you’re also not living life.

The truth is you can enjoy your life at every moment of your life if you are content and happy with what you have.

Believing in a higher power may help to have such a tranquil mindset. 

So be grateful for what you have. Be content and satisfied with what you already have.

Thanks for reading this line. It means a lot!