Tag: mental health

What I Learnt From Psychosis

In 2017, I faced a challenging journey through psychosis, filled with confusion and intense experiences. However, this struggle taught me valuable lessons in humility, the importance of grounding oneself in science, and trusting mental health professionals. Ultimately, I emerged grateful for the growth and self-belief I gained from this experience.

When I was 17, I had a psychotic episode. Or more precisely one major psychotic episode and many mania episodes spread around the months of the year 2017.

So 2017 wasn’t really a happy year for me.

So before I jump into what lessons I learnt, I want to give you a brief explanation of my experience.

Brief History of My Psychosis

Here are the things I experienced-

  1. I suspected that everyone wanted to kill me.
  2. I thought I was God (literally).
  3. I thought I was in an alternate reality where I could do anything I wanted and no one would hold me accountable.
  4. I thought I would write in a journal and if I scribbled over it, it would become real.
  5. I thought I was channeling some spirits by writing in a journal.
  6. I even thought I was doing automatic writing (actually).
  7. I would notice something and associate it with synchronicities. (For example, if I thought a negative thought and the dog outside barked at that moment, I thought it was God telling me to stop thinking that thought).
  8. Things would happen to rescue me from difficult situations and I noticed them instantly like someone playing a soothing music that would make me feel calm.
  9. When I closed my eyes, I would think I have no thoughts. I would be afraid to close my eyes because it was just too empty inside my mind(thoughtless).
  10. I also couldn’t sleep at night (insomnia).

The Actual Learnings

Here are the things I learnt from my psychotic experience-

  1. Humility
    I learnt that what the scriptures say that “Aham Brahmasmi” (You are that), it’s not literally true in the gross sense of the word “ego” or “I”.

    When we say I am God, we don’t mean that the person that you are is God. We mean… well I don’t know. But we shouldn’t take it literally.

    If you don’t know the truth, you need to stay humble and admit that you don’t know everything.
  2. Belief In Science
    I learnt to ground myself in science. I know spiritual beliefs sound cool. But they are not practical.

    Automatic writing may be real, but there may not be spirits or souls to channel or do automatic writing with.

    There’s always a scientific explanation.
  3. Coincidences are real
    There are coincidences and those may be planned by God. But there may not be any synchronicities.

    It means if something happens and if you superstitiously believe something else like someone’s photo frame falling from the wall and breaking doesn’t mean that their life is in danger.
  4. Trust Psychiatry and Psychology
    These two fields: psychiatry and psychology, are a Godsend for people like me.

    They help you heal from the inside.

    And if only you take the medications regularly and go to therapy regularly, then you can improve your mental health.
  5. Belief in Myself
    I learnt self-belief without thinking that I am omnipotent.

    Swami Vivekananda said that he who doesn’t believe in God is not an atheist, he who doesn’t believe in himself is an atheist.

    I believe in myself. I believe in Anirban(me).

Conclusion

These are the things I learnt from my psychotic experience in 2017.

If my psychosis hadn’t happened I would still be more superstitious than I am today. I am grateful for my psychosis.

I am way more scientific minded now because of my negative experiences with psychosis.

Thank you for reading this blog post. If you like this blog post, please like, comment and share with your friends and family members.

My Realizations on Satisfaction part 1

The post discusses the struggle between desiring success and the need for satisfaction, particularly for individuals dealing with mental health issues. It highlights how trauma can hinder achievement, affecting self-esteem and confidence. The author encourages mental health fighters to forgive themselves for not meeting their success expectations, emphasizing understanding and compassion.

Everybody knows that they should be satisfied with what they have.

And yet they (including me) seek more success and more achievements.

And the funny thing is they can’t suppress their desire for success by telling themselves to be satisfied. No one can.

If you want success and you are not satisfied, don’t force yourself to be satisfied.

But sometimes, especially in the case of mental health fighters, one cannot fulfill all of their desires of success because of their traumatic mental illness related experiences and the time it takes to heal through medicines and counseling.

It’s like a handicap situation.

The hardships that people with mental illnesses go through leave them in a situation from where it’s difficult to achieve success with the same energy and force as before the mental illness.

Their self-esteem is damaged. Their self-confidence is damaged. Plus there are the symptoms of their specific mental illnesses.

And it takes a lot to have just a little success let alone more success.

So mental health fighters need to forgive themselves if they can’t do certain things or if they can’t perform at the level that’s required for achieving their expectations of success.

That’s what I wanted to write in this blog post.

Thank you for reading this blog post. And please comment if you struggled with mental illness and how you feel about success and satisfaction?

First Be A Good Person

A good leader must first embody qualities of a good person, defined primarily by honesty and integrity. While not perfect, such individuals stay true to their word and admit their mistakes. Morality is crucial, often valuing personal character as much as success or wealth. The reflection on leadership is influenced by personal experiences.

Daily writing prompt
What makes a good leader?
View all responses

I belief a good leader must be a good person even before they start leading people.

What is a good person?

Now this one is what I can answer.

I can answer this NOT because I think I am a good person.

I am not a bad person. I am moderately good. But only other people’s statements regarding my character will be true.

Who are they?

So what is a good person?

I have read the Bhagavad Gita’s Chapter 2 but I will not borrow definitions from it because that’s not verified by me with direct experience.

In my opinion, a good person is a person who is honest(to himself/herself always and to others most of the time).

I know a person who is older than me. They are a leader in their profession. And they are good as a person in the common sense. But they are also honest to the extent that they will go out of their way to keep their word.

It’s 21st century and I am talking about the “word”.

Who cares about honesty these days? Right?

Well, the answer isn’t “nobody”. Although nobody is honest all the time. And nobody is flawless. There are people who are honest and pure hearted.


Honest to themselves.

They would admit they are wrong even if it means their opponents would win.

Morality is as important as money or success.

The person I was talking about can be any good leader in the world.

But I had my mother’s life floating before my eyes when I was writing the above lines.

Same goes for my elder sister.

Conclusion

Thank you for reading this blog post. Please comment your opinion on what a good leader is.

To experience the beauty of existence

The author reflects on their mission to experience the beauty of existence rather than conforming to societal expectations. They emphasize the importance of mental over physical beauty, valuing philosophy, art, and personal growth. Their goal is to integrate these passions into their life, relationships, and future business, creating a meaningful legacy.

Daily writing prompt
What is your mission?
View all responses

My mission isn’t exactly written anywhere yet. Not even in a journal somewhere.

But it’s clear in my mind.

I want to experience the beauty of existence.

Let me explain.

I never liked the rat race. Study, college, job, MBA, better job, business, marriage, children, old-age. What else?

It’s just a giant conspiracy against us to not do what we are meant to do.

To experience the beauty of existence right here, right now.

Beauty of existence

My definition of beauty starts with the mind.

Physical beauty is ok but it’s not permanent.

Mental beauty is more permanent than physical beauty.

Philosophy, maths, accounting, video editing, programming, art, stories, novels, etc.

For me these and other similar things are beauty.

Not the physical aspects, but the mental complexities and journey of growth that these skills bring inside a person.

Be in the world, but not of it

I want to start a business, do MBA, marry, have children, be old and die.

But my mission, that is my purpose in life, is to experience the beauty of existence by making philosophy and math and novels and programming and so on a part of my life.

I want to make my business around experience the beauty of existence.

I want my MBA journey to show those activities.

I want to marry a person who will help me experience philosophy, math, novels, etc.

I want to teach my children these things.

And when I am old and on my death bed I want to smile while reading a good philosophical novel.

Conclusion

Thank you for reading this blog post. Please like and comment your opinions.

By the way I am late. I realize that. I generally post on Mondays but because I had been struggling with my mental health lately, I am late.

I am glad you stuck around and read this line. Thanks a lot!

Believe in yourself

The author reflects on personal experiences highlighting the significance of self-belief. They recount two pivotal moments: evading parental authority at 14 and facing academic failure at 15. Through therapy and self-reflection, they learned that negative self-talk undermined their confidence. Ultimately, the message emphasizes the vital role of believing in oneself for happiness and personal growth.

Why should you believe in yourself?

To answer this questions let me tell you two stories.

First Story

When I was 14 years old(class 10), one evening I took a bus from my town to Dharmatala(Kolkata, India) to eat a certain food dish. I did this without my parent’s permission and also I skipped my private tutor’s class.

I returned home late at night without being able to find that food dish.

But my parents were very worried.

They called up my private tutor and the tutor told my parents that I hadn’t come to attend the class.

When I came home, I told my parents the truth and nothing happened. They said nothing.

Second Story

Fast forward to when I was 15 years old(class 11) next year, I failed in my final term exams. And got detained in class 11.

The reason I failed was because I couldn’t make myself study science. I hated those subjects.

And also I couldn’t overcome my mood swings.

But I didn’t have these insights at that time. I thought I wasn’t able to study because something was wrong with me.

Plus I was playing video games all day.

As a result to find what was wrong with me, I started watching self-help videos on YouTube and reading self-help books like “Psycho-Cybernetics” by Maxwell Maltz, “Mastery” by George Leonard,etc.

They were good books but they didn’t work for me. I applied their techniques for a few days but then gave up.

What fixed my problems was being treated by a psychiatrist and a psychologist.

But there’s also another perspective to this.

And that is…

I didn’t believe in myself.

Another Perspective

Maybe in class 10, I was better off because I had the confidence in myself, but I somehow lost that confidence in myself in class 11. And I became dependent on self-help techniques.

Maybe all my life I believed in something other than myself.

It is only recently at the age of 25 I realised that my self-talk is so negative. I am so harsh on myself all the time.

I need to believe in myself.

Why should you believe in yourself?

  • Because you will feel better about yourself.
  • Because you will be happier.
  • Because you will have a healthy mind.
  • Because you will be able to take better decisions.
  • Because you will be able to take better responsibility for your circumstances and mistakes.
  • Because you will be in control of your negative and positive self-talk.
  • Be less manipulated by others.
  • Be more authentic.

And so much more.

Conclusion

Believe in yourself.

Believe in yourself.

Believe in yourself.

Believe in yourself.

Believe in yourself.

In my short life I have realised the importance of believing in myself at the age of 25.

Life’s not easy. And maybe your life hasn’t been easy as well. We need to believe. Even if you don’t believe in God, believe in yourself.

Believe in yourself!

This is the core of what hope is.

Believe in yourself.

Thank you for reading this blog post.

Guide to an online degree for mental health fighters (India)

Anirban, despite battling bipolar affective disorder and social anxiety, has achieved a Bachelor of Business Administration from Amity University Online. He overcame immense self-doubt and setbacks in his academic journey. Anirban advocates for the value of online degrees, emphasizing their legitimacy and the opportunities they provide for stable employment.

Hi I’m Anirban, a person who struggles with bipolar affective disorder(BPAD) and social anxiety. And I have graduated with a bachelors in business administration in spite of my mental health struggles.

Before Online Degree/ Mental Health Struggles

For giving you some context, I was diagnosed with BPAD when I was 17 years old. And I take medication and am a lot better because of my medication and psychotherapy. 

At 17, I was in class 12, and I had no confidence in myself, I couldn’t get out of bed and even take a bath or eat alone. I was depressed, manic, and had no self-confidence. 

But with God’s blessings I somehow appeared for class 12 board exams and I passed. This was after I was diagnosed. 

Then I got into an engineering college where I found it too difficult to understand the subjects. So I quit engineering college. 

Then I started pursuing a Bachelor of Arts with Philosophy honors from a local college because I love philosophy. 

But due to some technical problems, I was denied Philosophy and had to get into English honors in the same college. 

But I couldn’t cope with the new environment and due to my social anxiety, I quit Bachelor of Arts with English honors.

Then I started my own business which was an ecommerce t-shirt print-on-demand business. That’s a story for another day. But I failed in that too.

Online College

But that’s not the end of my career. 


I decided to study in an online college (Amity University Online). And I took admission in Bachelor of Business Administration because I had to get a degree. The job market is so competitive in India that you must have a degree to get a decent job.

And I studied, and I passed with 7.0 CGPA after 3 years in 2023. 

Hurray!!!

I faced a lot of self-doubt, but I overcame them with the help of my parents and siblings.

Why an Online Degree?

So you may wonder,” Why get an online degree? Maybe it’s not as valuable as a regular degree.” or “How can I get an online degree? I haven’t finished high school.” or “I don’t need a degree because I will start a business.”

Well the last reason is a little naive because a business can fail but once you have a degree you  can at least get a standard job anytime you want. And you can’t get a degree anytime you want. But you can start a business anytime you want.

And as for the first doubt,” Why get an online degree? Maybe it’s not as valuable as a regular degree.”, according to the University Grants Commission(UGC) in India, an online degree is  equivalent with a regular degree. 

Here’s the official notification from UGC’s website.

And as for the second doubt “How can I get an online degree? I haven’t finished high school.”, you can pass school through the National Institute of Open Schools(NIOS).

I have no experience with NIOS. But you can check out other people’s YouTube videos to research the information.

How to get a degree from an online college?

I will only speak about a private online college because I have graduated with a Bachelor of Business Administration(BBA) degree from Amity University Online where I have first-hand experience.

  1. First speak to the admission counselor.
  2. Fill the online admission form.
  3. Then pay the first semester fees. Or you can avail an EMI plan.
  4. Then wait for the login credentials for the university online portal which you will receive in your email inbox in a few days.
  5. (optional) Attend the orientation program occurring for online students of that university.
  6. Study and take the exams at semester end.(The exams are online proctored, meaning you will need a webcam on your laptop or PC and there will be a professor or admission invigilator who will watch you while you write the exam by typing.
  7. (Optional)Attendance in online classes is not mandatory. 
  8. (Optional) Attend the convocation program and get your degree. Or you can get it via courier.
  9. The medium of education is mostly English. And you need to be comfortable typing your answers on a computer.
  10. Physical books are sent to your address every semester.
  11. You can send them any query you have via email or the portal or even talk to them through phone call.
  12. There may be a research project in your degree’s last semester depending on which degree you choose. You need to manage it somehow.

Conclusion

If you have any doubts, you can contact me via the contact form or send me a DM on Instagram(@anirbansaren657) or LinkedIn(https://www.linkedin.com/in/anirbansaren/).

I hope you found something useful from this blog post. I hope you get your future college degree and get a good job in spite of having mental health issues.

How To Control Your Anger?

The author reflects on personal struggles with anger and its impact on self-esteem and mental health. They share experiences of losing control, including violent outbursts, and highlight the importance of managing anger through internal and external strategies. Seeking therapy is emphasized as a valuable resource for better emotional health.

I get angry sometimes. And this affects my self-esteem and peace of mind. It causes regret in me. 

My Brief Story

Although I no longer get angry to the extent of becoming violent. But I sometimes struggle to control my anger even today. 

But I have improved my self-control a lot over the years.

I remember one day I got so angry that I tore my own clothes in an attempt to run towards the other person. Luckily the neutral people stopped me.

And if that’s not enough of hell, I take medication for my bipolar affective disorder(BPAD) even today.

I am getting better. But that’s some of my story of my struggles with my anger.

Ways To Control Your Anger

In this blog post I will write about 3 internal ways and 3 external ways to control your anger.

Internal ways-

  1. Realizing that anger has consequences. It affects your self-esteem. And it can lead to violence and even death of someone.
  2. Practice gratitude for the things you already have.
  3. Perform any form of introspection daily like journaling, meditation, realizing that your expectations of the other persons are just going to make you more unhappy because you can’t change others but only yourself, etc.

External ways-

  1. AVOID them- Stay away from/avoid the other persons, events or thoughts that trigger your anger for some time. This is something you can do immediately.
  2. Let your anger go- Try to identify what you feel in the angry moments. Observe your emotions and let it go.
    I read back in 2017 called “The Sedona Method: Your Key to Lasting Happiness, Success, Peace and Emotional Well-Being” by Hale Dwoskin. 
    In that book it taught 5 questions to ask yourself consecutively to release your emotions quickly-
    • What do I feel?(example-”Anger”/”sad”/”peaceful”…)
    • Could I allow myself to welcome this feeling?(example-”yes”)
    • Could I let it go?(example-”yes”)
    • Would I let it go?(example-”yes”)
    • When?(ideally “now” but if you are not ready say “later” and then repeat these questions to yourself until you can say “now” and release these emotions. Repeat these questions as many times as your feel comfortable asking.)
    • You can answer “no” or “later” or whatever you want. Remember these questions are for yourself to ask yourself internally. (I practice them till date and these questions saved me from many difficult situations.)
  3. See a psychotherapist. Maybe you are unable to control your anger because something needs to change in your life. Maybe you are unable to change your life yourself because you have your own biases. So go to a therapist. They might be able to help. 

There’s no shame in going to a therapist because they are like doctors. You go to a doctor when you get a fever in your body. Likewise you go to a psychiatrist, psychologist or a psychotherapist when you have a “fever” or illness in your mind.

Conclusion

As I said earlier in this blog post that “I get angry sometimes. And this affects my self-esteem and peace of mind. It causes regret in me. ”. 

This may not be entirely true for you or other people but regardless of that anger does more damage to your and other people’s lives than you can imagine.

Worst of all it can lead to violence, injury, death, etc. So please be careful because prevention is better than cure. Regret is one of the worst things in life. Forgiveness is the greatest religion.

Please like, share and comment what you think about this blog post.

My Journey from Entitlement to Realization

When I was in class 11, I was suffering. Whether it was due to some mental illness, I don’t know. 

I remember I hated school. I couldn’t force myself to get dressed and go to school. 

So I thought something was wrong with me.

I would play video games all day from 6 am to 2am at night. 

And then I would read self-help and spirituality books to find what was wrong with me.

I went to psychologists, and they told me “You don’t have social anxiety”.

Then in class 12, I experienced psychosis. As bizarre as it may be to experience psychosis, it humbled me after spending time in NIMHANS (National Institute of Mental Health and Neurosciences).

I saw people my age, with more severe mental illnesses. As compared to them, I was much better off.

I was in class 12 and about to complete high school. Many of my roommates at NIMHANS hadn’t completed 7th grade.

After I was diagnosed with BPAD (Bipolar Affective Disorder), the opposite of thinking “I was not normal” happened. I realized slowly that my situation was very normal. 

Most people have similar problems.

I was not special. And I am not entitled to special treatment.

Yes I had BPAD and a little social anxiety. But so do other people. 

Yes I was entitled. And unrealistic. 

Now I am more realistic and humble.

The point of all the above words is to admit to and show you- There are two arrows that we are hit by in life. One arrow is from the external world. This arrow is out of our control.

But there’s a second arrow, our reactions to the first arrow.

For example, I was not able to go to school. My mind stopped me. This is the first arrow.

But to think that something is wrong with me and to read self-help books and playing video games out of frustration is the second arrow. These were reactions to not being able to go to school.

We can’t control the world’s events but we can decide how we are going to react to them.

Thank you for reading this blog post. 

Why Is Education Important For Mental Health Fighters?

We all know the importance of education in life. But today I want to share with you my mental health perspective on education.

When I was in class 12, I had severe social anxiety going to school and private tutors’ classes. I couldn’t get out of my house to get in the car to go to school. I felt helpless.

I wanted to study and score good marks in Maths, Physics, Chemistry, Computer Science, Multimedia & Web Technology and English. But I couldn’t go to any of my private tutors’ classes.

Also I had many doubts which I couldn’t solve online. I needed a tutor. But I had social anxiety.

When the board exams arrived, I was unprepared but I somehow passed. 

Post-high school I wanted to study science as a subject. I got into a private engineering college where social anxiety crippled me. 

I didn’t appear for the exams and I failed. I lost one year.

One year later, I took admission in an arts college with Philosophy. But mid-year they didn’t let me pursue Philosophy because of my low Math marks. 

I loved Philosophy and I was slowly overcoming my social anxiety. But life happened and I had to leave that college.

Then I took admission in an online college to pursue a Bachelor of Business Administration degree. 

Throughout this journey, I lost my self-esteem. And some friends. 

I also have bipolar disorder and social anxiety which made things more difficult.

But my point is education is important. Even in this mental health journey, you need to pursue and complete your education.

Most of the time people are forced to discontinue their education due to mental health issues. 

Please complete your education, get a good job, start a business, and have a vision for yourself.

There a saying my sister told me about-

“What the mind doesn’t know, the eyes cannot see.” 

I don’t know who said the above quote but I agree with them.

Study what you love but also keep in mind the job opportunities that could be available to you if you pursue a subject.

I don’t know how much sense this blog post makes to you. But please complete your education even if you have mental health issues. 

There are online degrees, distance degrees, certifications, etc. And don’t give up.

Lastly I would like to list a few reason why education is important for mental health fighters-

  1. Secure future that will help you get a job anytime in the future
  2. Safety net in case you lose a job you will be able to get hired easily
  3. Career growth will help you grow your salary which will be increasing the more qualified you are
  4. Knowledge which will help you in your job or to start a business
  5. Skills which will help in your job and business, plus you will be more valuable in the job market in general
  6. Respect for yourself and from others because no one will underestimate you in your career
  7. For getting paid for what you know
  8. To prove to yourself that you can do it

For me, I am in my last semester of Bachelor of Business Administration degree at Amity University Online. And I will pursue my Master of Business Administration(MBA) in the future. 

Please comment on why you think education is important for you?